Relationship Rant thread

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hehe good one chev.

 

@ chev - good point, I just wish she didn't have a twisted, jaded version of me in her head

 

@ Rolsuk

Yes, I believe that Garak has a preety misserable life, constant sentimental pain, because (he thinks) there is no way for him to be with her. And this is not good. The point is that he doesn't really do much about the fact that he loves her. I perssonaly think that they would match really well (I never said this to Garak). But his pessimism is what is keeping him from doing something about this 'situation'. But /me shall not give up! With the help of more and more girls that he knows (girls are the only ones that can covince him to do something, they seem to be his weekness) I and another queer fellow shall slowly be moving Garak on the positive lane!

^ I hope he won't read this... ^

@chev: yes, yes, very good one indeed!

 

OK, guys, I know I will sound like a priest now, but what is important is the last girl. Well, maybe not the last one, but the one you will decide to be the last one (i.e. until in death you part). All relationships on the way serve finding the right one. Heck, perhaps you won't even actually have had a relationship with the right one but you will start off engaged (e.g. from friends or something from-first-sight style)? The world doesn't come to an end if a girl doesn't want you. Probably she wasn't the right one. The right one or a right one, it's not like just one person on the Earth is a good match for you and you'll end up alone for life if she dumps you on the third date because you screw something up. Unless you lock yourself in a tight hole, you're bound to meet new people and a couple of crushes and perhaps romances is yet ahead of you. You don't have to have a girlfriend to have a meaningful life. In fact, it's totally not worth it if there isn't an option of making it permanent. Save yourself the trouble of crappy relationships and only ever get involved with a girl if there's a good chance she's the right one and you are in love with her. If she isn't right for you, you're probably infatuated rather than in love and if you aren't in love you don't have to hurry, anyway. Don't seek it. Control yourself. Don't do things you might end up regretting. Stay friends with people. Perhaps one of those friends will be the right girl and there's no point having a relationship without friendship, so you may as well start from friendship. You will miss on a couple of dates, but you will be surrounded by people who like and respect you for what you are and not because you are sexy. Love will still find its way and for a permanent relationship you need solid foundations.

If she wants to be friends, be friends with her. Perhaps you'll change your mind and you won't mind having her near you as a friend. Perhaps she will change her mind and you will still be single and willing. Just go on with your life. I know better than anyone that this is easier said than done, but give it a go. Just be polite and kind and don't turn your back on her. No point hoarding hostilities - you won't win her over by fighting her. You won't undo the screw-ups, either, so just give the best out of yourself now and try not to repeat mistakes but don't kill yourself over ones that you have already made.

Be kind and gracious. Show class. She will know what she's giving up. Respect her and she will respect you. Maintain good relations. Perhaps she will return to you one day or maybe she has an important role to play in your life as a friend. Or maybe she will just simply give you a good reference when another girl asks about you.

One of the things that you will learn the hard way if you haven't yet is that there's no point holding. I mean, you need to hold her a lot, but as d'Artagnan said in one movie: a sword is like a bird. If you hold it too loosely, it will fly away. If you hold it too tightly, you will thwart it. The same could be said about a woman. It's still better to let her fly away than to thwart her. Would you like to be with a girl who would simply look bad or feel bad for leaving you? Surely not. So hold her a lot but don't hold her. If you have her heart, she will come back. If she doesn't come back, you've never really had it. Again, easier said then done. Especially if you know that she might be about to do something she could end up regretting. But it's her life, so ultimately you'll have to let her make her choices and assume her own responsibility. You aren't her father. It's not your job.

 

But what if your fighting each other and its not just one way traffic?

 

I second SotC's question, I'm trying to make friends, but she doesn't trust me and has a twisted/tainted version of me in her mind. She an be rather mean spirited towards me and refuses to talk about it. I really want to be friends but she's not making things easy. You guys will probably say she isn't worth it, but she is. If she makes a decision of whether or not to be with me, I wish that it would be the real me as opposed to her twisted view of me. She is worth it, but making friends so that so can truly get to know me is not easy at all.

@ chev - I've come to realise most of the things you've said, that it is her choice and that there are other fish in the sea, and its best not to hold on as you've said. I am trying to make friends but I did say and do some things that in make her lose trust in me, I never meant to hurt her or betray her trust, but it her eyes it did. This is what (to my knowledge) has led her to have a twisted view of me. I hope that through time and me using my newly aquired knowledge of her, for her to begin to trust me so that we can be friends and so she can see the real me.

I will move on, I just need some more time to get over, thats all. Besides, I'll meet plenty more women at uni next fall and I'm sure plently will like fantasy at the fencing club . At the moment, I've pretty much scouted all the waters where I can fish, I have to wait until can move to a new location to fish. My highschool is quite small see, so there aren't all too many fish, but at uni there's plenty more to find. I'll be ready to start fishing well before then, but at the moment I can't take my eye off the one that got away.

Oh, and to another point, I don't date for the sake of dating, I look for relationships that can last, I try to learn as much as I can about someone before asking them out.

 

If she sticks to the twisted image in her mind and refuses to talk, give it a pass. If she doesn't trust you, you probably have things in your life with a higher priority than winning her trust against her will.

It's hard to regain trust after a break-up, really. Not saying it can't happen, but there are going to be complications (like perhaps questionning the reasonability of the break-up). Well, I don't know what you did and how she saw it, but perhaps you should examine the twisted image more closely? Maybe it isn't as twisted as you (would like to) think?

 

Thats what I have been thinking, maybe she sees in me things that I don't see. This I have considered, however, when looking objectivly and having talked to some friends and they've given their honest opinions, I haven't done anything horribly wrong in the relationship, other than let her know of my feelings for her. Now I've learned not to open up too soon, otherwise it can scare her away (as was the case with her).

After the relationship I did say some stupid things which its perfectly understandable that she would have a problem with, but other than that I haven't, besides, she said worse things to me after the break up. They weren't directly meant to hurt her, more of pointing things out that she did in a fairly cold manner. But I am now leaving such petty things behind.

Many cases though she misinterprets what I say and takes them in a negative way even though I mean none at all. She does take offense rather easily which I didn't realize at first which got me in hot water, but now I understand her better and haven't said anything stupid or insulting since I realized that she's easily offended. Thats not to say that she's misinterpreted things I've said, but I'm elabourating and taking extra care with my newly found knowledge.

 

@Rolsuk:

I, on the contrary, have opened up too soon and too much (was a too perfect b/f) and she mega fell in love with me. The truth is that I lied to myself about loving her. When I got tired of her (not telling why), she was tottaly in love with me. The brakeup was painfull for her, but not for me. So what I've learned is not to give it that much effort, just act normal!

PS. Haven't you gotten over her yet?

 

@Kelvon:

If Rolsuk did get over this girl, what the hell would we talk about?

 

I did act as myself, though I opened up too soon. It wasn't that I was trying to be uber romantic or anything, I told her how I felt about her (though I tried not to give too much, but aparently failed) not faking it or anything, that was how I felt. My feelings have diminished somewhat, more that I think of her a little less.

No, I fear I'm not completely over her, I know I should be, we only went out for a week, and its approaching the third week since we broke up, but I'm still not over her. I just starting to kinda turn around but not just starting. I can't explain it, but its how I feel.

 

For how long and how well did you know her before "coupling" with her? If you don't mind me asking.

@Magpie: Thanks for the answer, but that was a RETORIC question...

 

Yeah, opening up soon tends to scare people. Some don't want obligations, others don't know what they feel about you and will go for a little flirt but don't want to be tied down before testing you somewhat and so on and so forth. Some will fear they can't reciprocate your advances and return your feelings fully. Many reasons. Plus, it's always better to get to know more about the person before admitting to feelings and offering to start a relationship. Don't want to repeat myself, but pay attention to how she treats people. Not good to rush too fast. Unless she really seems interested as much as you. But it's still better to spend some time dating, I think.

Look like you're pretty much even. Perhaps the girl does a fair job judging you but forgets to judge herself.

That's a tough one. Jaded people, those who are bitter and have been hurt take offence more easily.

Yeah, no acting and pretending etc. But try to be a good boyfriend, I would say. If it's you who have to break up, well, it's going to be painful, but perhaps the girl will realise you are good and kind because you care for her. If you don't love her in "this sense" any longer doesn't mean you don't love her at all, at least in the friendly sense. You don't have to become less kind or less good, even though you won't be treating her as the most important person in your life, this is a given.

Good, you're getting over it. The shroud begins to fall and you get to understand her better. Well, she's just a human. Don't hold her to that idealised high opinion you had of her. And it's good you're losing the delusions, as well.

It takes some time to get over such things. It takes long even for hormones alone to unload. And it's not like you're going to be able to look at her without pain for a long time yet. Possibly forever unless you still become good friends somehow or otherwise have some good feelings for each other (just not of "this" kind). Sometimes this happens, but some pain will always remain even if the friendly feelings overweigh it. Things are helped when feelings get to become more and more platonic and you get over the feeling of loss. Lots of the pain go away when she stops turning you on. Sometimes you end up being very friendly and caring for each other but not regarding her as possible romantic partner ever more because of the wall of pain preventing you two from hooking up ever again.

 

Its not that I never saw her flaws, yes I know that she is human and has them, but my feelings for her remained the same in spite of that. I tend to ignore the little annoying things in people, or at least not allow that to prevent me from seeing the good in people. I can be friends with many people, and often they get annoyed with each other because of each other's flaws, I don't let it get in the way though. I look for the good in people. Yes I saw her flaws, but I didn't allow them to drag down all the things I find so great about her.

I had a relapse today, it seems to happen at least once a week since the breakup. I can go on for most of the week, thinking about her fairly often, but not as much as before. Then one day it all comes rushing back to me and I feel all the pain I did before. Its been three weeks now since the breakup, and I am on a day to day basis thinking of her less, but I had a relapse of all the feelings out of nowhere. Now I'm feeling pretty low, its how it goes so far for me. Either on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday I get a relapse of all the emoitions and pain. Usually after letting it all out I feel better, then the next day I start to feel even better. I keep feeling better until I hit the relaspe. Granted right after the relaspe the pain isn't as strong as the week before, during the relaspe it is as bad. But after it I feel better, and its not like completely starting over, I don't quite continue where I left off, but it is better than the week before. Is any of this making sense?

@ Kelvon- I don''t understand how I can feel so strongly about her, I only knew her a month before I asked her out, then we went out for a week, and broke up. And after three weeks since the break up I still feel it, as I said I have 'relapses' of the pain every once in a while. I didn't know her that long, how can I feel so strongly? She was right to be freaked out by it, I don't even understand it myself.

I do know its best for her to move on as she doesn't share my feelings, how could she if mine were so strong anyway? I am moving on, I know its best, but I can't help but care about her in that way. When I was with her, it was the happiest I've ever felt. I don't quite understand why though. Yes she was human and had flaws, but there were so many things about her that I like so much.

 

Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt heaps of times and it always seemed to go the same way - she feel "madly in love" with me while I got tired of her quickly.

Except for the once, involving the ex who's 7 and a half years younger than I. Took my time opening up to her and the mutual feelings are still as strong as ever. She's actually planning on moving back to Coffs in October. And just to fill in anyone who wants to know, we met up that Monday night and had a great time just being together and catching up.

It's awful when you find out after a break-up that you had finally found "the one" only to lose her because of numbers and being too shy to pursue her a little more. But it's good when it all looks like it may just work out for once.

 

Thats great Aldazar, you're a lucky one Hold onto that one.

Well, I just realised this would have been our one month aniversary. I want to be friends with her, but as I've said before, she has a twisted version of me in her head, so it is rather difficult. Either way I'm conciously trying to get over her, but I still feel as strong for her as I did. Such a complication it has become, me no like

 

So, is it gonna work out, or not?

Rolsuk, the in me is gonna tell you one thing: Talking about her will not help you get over her. And the same sais: Screw her! think about yourself for a few days! (Did not mean to offend u!)

PS. You know, Garak hasn't come to school all week, so hell knows what he's been up (or down) to...


Ow, yah, one more thing. How in Whoever's name can Chev write that much?

[ March 21, 2005, 10:35: Message edited by: Kelvon Shadowmane ]

 

You'd be surprised how much talking about something can help.

Thats what I did last night but its not easy getting her off my mind, but I'm distracting myself with things best I can. Though, I can't say that I've been completely successful however she is still often on my mind, but I have been thinking of her less, its a step in the right direction

Its the

[ March 13, 2005, 03:46: Message edited by: Rolsuk Fryulee ]

 

Too true Rolsuk!

As for chev's ability to type reams of text: it's a mystery, like the JFK assassination, or the success of David Hasselhoff.

Maybe he has extra arms that enable him to type really quickly, like Dr. Octopus?

 

Could be...