Warnings for Morons

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The way it's so easy to sue is going against the whole point of evolution and Darwin's law. Not only can you be idiotic and survive, you can cash in. Found out that the woman who sued McDonald's because she burned herself with coffee (HOLY FLAMING CRAP! COFFEE! AND IT'S HOT! WHO'DA THUNK IT?) also sued her MOTHER, who was driving at the time. Well, maybe she'll sue Satan, as burning in hell is certainly cause for a lawsuit.

Here's some more examples.

A Blockbuster Giftcard.
To open: 1. Tear off perforated sides A & B 2. Pull off at arrow.

A Mattress.
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark! (Okay, that one's probably just a bad translation)

Certain Christmas Lights.
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only. (Uhhh...)

Various Computers (pop up message).
Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue.

Child-Sized Superman Costume.
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly

Swedish Chainsaw.
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

Volvic Natural Mineral Water
Bottle exclusively designed for the use of Volvic Natural Mineral Water. Do not refill. (How petty. and I giggle like a schoolgirl when I read 'Volvic.' Oh yes. I am the maturest guy ever.)

And the GRAND FINALE!

Swear to God, this is written on a kind of anti-personnel fragmentation land mine:

DO NOT EAT

Oh, one more. Click that.

It's a surprise

And there you have it.

[ November 30, 2002, 01:21: Message edited by: The Soul Forever Seeking ]

 

well Tal, here's a link you'll enjoy: www.darwinawards.com

as the site describes itself

 

Suggestion: new warning sign

"Warning! This is a wall. Do not try to run through it, digest it, or throw it on a living thing. The BuildWall Inc. will not be responsible if this wall is used in a incorrect way. Read the manual for further instructions."

Hopefully the line is drawn before it gets this bad.

[ December 02, 2002, 10:52: Message edited by: Virne ]

 

[ December 02, 2002, 13:45: Message edited by: Morgoth ]

 

After reading Slim's link, I finally start to see it the way that burned crotch woman did, but she did still sue her mother.

I'm surprised she didn't sue her car.

Here's a pair of Darwin awards for ya.

Guy walks into a store. Decides to steal some expensive food. Shoves a pair of lobsters down his pants. Guess what happened? Snap. Ouch.

Couldn't find it on the site, but I did hear about this one:

This guy decides he wants to fly. He fails his pilot's test, couldn't do this, that, and the other thing, you know. Couldn't fly.

So he buys three or four surplus weather balloons, ties them to a lawn chair, ties down said chair, inflates the balloons, and gets a sandwich and a gun. He'll eat the sandwich if he gets hungry, and he'll shoot out balloons one by one for a "controlled descent." Dresses warmly (it's cold up there), straps himself in, and cuts the ropes.

It worked.

He shot up to about five thousand feet in SECONDS.

Now he's panicking. If he shoots the balloons, he could die. (Just realized it.) So he just hangs on, hopes the straps don't give out, and eats his sandwich.

He floats around for a few hours, then nearly crashes into a plane. (think of that scene from Eraser) The pilots, after making sure they aren't losing their minds, call the airport.

The government sends out the national guard and the air force on a massive rescue mission.

He eventually gets down, and he's okay.

But imagine this. You're on a business trip, vaguely paranoid about flying, (it's post-9/11 after all), and when you glance out the window - there's a man in a balloon chair out there with a gun.

Egad.

 

So, Soul, who gets sued? The chair manufacturer, the guy who refused him his pilot's license, or the rubber company that made the balloon? How about these "signs":

On the chair: WARNING: Do not digest or attempt to use as a floation device or an implement of flight.

On the balloon: Do not tie to lawn chairs or other light things. It will pull them up if multiples are used.

 

Useful one:
On Windows CD: The computer may (and will) crash if installed.

 

On a television set: Not Dishwasher Safe

 

I have two personal faves from the Darwin Awards; they're both from my area. First, you have a logger running a chipper. It jammed. He decided to clear it without shutting it off. Think "Chunky salsa". This happened up Aroostook County way, 'bout 2 hours from my home.

Second, you have a good ol' boy out for a night's drunk. At closing time,he gets in his truck, and proceeds to drive into an open tank in the nearby raw sewage processing station. This happened about ten minutes from where I live, and my sister's first comment was "What a sh*tty way to die"... I think George Carlin said it best: There's about a 25% terminal-stupidity rate in the US today. Of course, unemployment is only 10%. Don't worry about the stupidity rate, worry about the terminally stupid who HAVE JOBS THAT COULD AFFECT YOUR LIFE.(President, frex.)

 

Tal, two phrases come to mind based on what you said,
-Its time to start thining the herd.
-Its time to start put some chloring in the gene pool again.
On a pack of peanuts-warning: not to be consumed by those with allergies to peanuts.
on a jar of peanuts butter-contains peanuts, may cause reaction in those allergic to peanuts.
on an ice cream maker-Warning: Do not stick tongue close to frozen tub to taste ice cream.
On a hand mixer: warning: do not touch rotating blades with tongue.
Of course, I always love this one that appears in most trouble shooting sections of appliance manuals.
Problem: Appliance does not operate when switch is turned to the on position. Solution: Make sure appliance if plugged in.
Another one I like is on my waffle maker, Do not use Waffle Maker for use other than intended use. Give me a freakin break. What else could I use a waffle maker for? Hmmmm, I am sensing a topic for "whatnots"

 

On the sorcerers site: beware of the *insert IotW*

 

On a car: WARNING: Driving directly into a tree at high speeds can be hazardous to your health.

[ January 01, 2003, 03:41: Message edited by: Rastor ]