What gives hurts in relationships?

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Every relationship is different. There is no logic in relationships.

Two people need to be compatible, having very close goals and values. Both people need to work on the relationship -- it takes two people to have a good relationship, it only take one to destroy it. By working on the relationship I mean both people need to do things to make the other happy.

I heard a very good analogy: a love bank. Each thing you do your partner likes makes a deposit, every thing you do which the partner doesn't like is a withdrawl. Both people in a relationship need a 'positive balance' to be happy. The amount of the deposit or withdrawl changes randomly for each act. We can see this in action: we can tolerate something for only so long and once we get used to something it is no longer a positive influence (the lack of the thing becomes a negative).

The key is finding out what makes the deposit and what makes the withdrawl for your partner (and it changes all the time).

 

What kuemper said made me think a bit on control issues. Unless we're talking about paranoid people, control issues happen for a reason. I don't have or want to have any authority to forbid a girl to go anywhere with whomever whenever and for however long she wants or do anything she wants. But this doesn't mean that I won't draw conclusions. In my experience, control issues arise when I can't trust the girl. When she says different things to people publicly and to me in private. When she can't keep consistent about facts in her life she chooses to tell me about or about her views on things. I have a well-attuned lie detector and I will figure out. Sooner or later. And alarmed I will be immediately. It just won't go unnoticed. And I will want to find out the truth. If I find out about a lie, I will bring it up and I will demand my answers.

Another reason is when girls make sexual jokes about other guys. While I realise that jokes are jokes and I realise that being in a relationship with someone doesn't make you immune to attraction to other people, I believe that things are said for a reason. It's plain and simple: if my girlfriend jokes about showing her body to other guys or goes on about how great it is when they hit on her or when she feels great about their gross and rude sexual innuendo, I will be hurt and my trust for her will be shot down.

 

Men always think they have 'well tuned lie detectors.' A great quote by Agatha Christie:

A woman can lie to any man -- provided she wants to and he loves her.

 

More on control issues: There's a HUGE difference between asking your partner for "permission" to go somewhere, simply informing said partner of your plans with no intent to change then, and making sure that your partner can accommodate your plans (and being willing to alter them, if needed). The first is control, the second is arrogance, and the third is respect.

When there's respect, there's no need for lying.

 

@T2Bruno: I agree. Mine works great, giving me hunches and all. But when I love her and give her a lavish benefit of the doubt, I won't figure out obvious lies until late. But I always will. I have a talent for walking into traps, but I can also walk out of them. I just need to cross a certain threshold and something will break in me and I will see through the lies.

@Rally: Yes, lying is huge disrespect. Even worse disrespecting is not giving a damn about consistency when lying to someone but just thinking that the love-struck idiot will believe everything you tell him.

 

Trust, on all matters. I have been in a couple of relationsships, but only this one, which have been going on for almost 2.5 years now, I feel that I can trust my girlfriend in all aspects, and for that I feel much more secure.

 

Some people are lucky. Until recently, I thought I was as well.