When legends come knocking on the door... (Mayhem)

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I'm amazed. While reading this I totally forgot the guy I had on the phone for a while

 

Hey, sorry for not writing in a while. And about the James Bond reference, well, it wasn't (at least not intentionally ). It was a reference to the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy... Whatever, here's the next episode:


Bob quickly changed to the guard's outfit, which consisted of a set of chainmail with a longsword sheathed at its left side, and a feathered helmet. He left his own gear in the wagon. “So, what’s the plan?”
“The plan is,” began Captain Feldspar, “the plan is that you, Bob, walk over to the camp, tell the guards that are undoubtedly standing there that there’s a supply wagon up the road that cannot get farther because of a fallen tree, and propose that they help you with relocating the goods into the camp, so that the driver can return from whence he came.” The Captain took a deep breath upon completing this cruelly long sentence.
“And then what?” queried Bob.
“Then they will say that there haven’t been a storm for a long while, and that they would surely have noticed if a tree fell and blocked the road. Upon hearing this, you will give a hearty laugh and remind them of the storm three weeks ago, and then quote their most famous philosopher Sir Robert of Ye Notquiteasolde Village: “A body at rest remains at rest, as long as it is not the subject of a force. This does not apply to trees of course, as they have very slow reflexes, and rarely react before several days have passed.” Thus, you will continue, the tree may very well not have reacted to the violent winds before now. The guards will then laugh, say that they had forgotten all about that, and tell you to lead the way.”
“What if they offer me a carrot?”
The Captain raised an eyebrow. “Then we’re in trouble,” he said worriedly, “we will lose too much precious time if they’re allowed to say such a thing, and…”
“I think he means,” interrupted Cuan, “that he don’t eat carrots. His mother Emma Mae I Have Another Helping Of Cornbread has warned him of the terrible addictive properties of this… YIKES!” Once again arrows came whizzing in Cuan’s private airspace, making him draw his bow.

“Putteth thy weapons down!” commanded a smooth voice. Three figures could be seen standing in the faint moonlight on the road to the camp, bows drawn and raised. “Stateth thy business here, lest we shalt be forced to take action!”
“We’re here to make a special delivery! It’s concerning the Commanding Officer!” Captain Feldspar was confident this would work. He didn’t have very high thoughts about the intelligence of people who used donkeys in combat.
As he thought, the three guards began to slowly advance. Two of them stopped at a distance of about ten metres, while the third proceeded towards the wagon to inspect the goods. All three seemed completely oblivious of the nature of their ‘captives’, and it wasn’t until the approaching man was within reach of Sergeant Slate’s hammer that one of them yelled “Dwarves! Backeth off, foul creatures!” But it was too late; Captain Feldspar had already given his sign. Before anyone could react, Corporal Limestone and himself had drawn their crossbows and buried a bolt in the throats of two of the villagers, while Sergeant Slate had punched the last one in the nether regions and then smashed his head with the hammer.
The captain looked upon the corpses with disdain. “They never see it coming, the fools.” Then he looked up, his face noticeably brighter. “I just got another idea… Elf, you put on one of these guards’ uniforms; with a helmet, they won’t see your pointy ears. You and Bob carry us dwarves into the camp in that bag of holding of yours…”
A worried look crossed Bob’s face. “Umm, that reminds me we forgot Gus. He’s still in there…”
“No problem, that,” continued Captain Feldspar, “we’ll just leave him here to guard the corpses, hehehe… Anyway, when you get to the Commander, you just stuff him into the bag, and we’ll take care of the rest. And try to do it silently, will you?”

He walked over to the wagon and opened up the bag, so that Gus the Half-crazed Ogre could get out. Then, he pointed at the bodies and told the ogre to watch these fellows until they get back, and that if he did it well, he would get more cornbread.
The ogre nodded stupidly, and sat down on the ground. “Mmmmm, cornbread is good, Gus likes cornbread…” he mumbled to himself.
Captain Feldspar ordered the wagon driver to hide the vehicle in the bushes, and then hopped into the bag along with the other two dwarves. When Bob was about to pick it up, he poked his head out. “Oh, and try to speak like them… May be easier that way.”

Bob and Cuan, both now clad in villager outfit, made their way towards the clearing wherein the camp was situated. They passed the guards with ease, and once within the palisades, they began looking for the Commander’s tent. It wouldn’t have been hard to find during the day, for it was not only the biggest tent, it was also made of pink cloth with lupines, tulips and other flowers embroidered on it. It was, however, still night and because of that it took nearly fifteen minutes to find it. They saluted the guards, and went in. The Commanding Officer was luckily sleeping heavily, and Bob just had to put the bag over the sleeping man’s head; the dwarves could take care of the rest. Some moments later, when the muffled sounds of combat had died, three dwarves jumped out of the bag of holding, considerably relieved to be breathing fresh air once again. “Man, that was a nasty experience! One more minute in that thing and I swear I’d be a goner!” exclaimed Sergeant Slate.
“Remember that we must get back as well,” replied Captain Feldspar, “and then we’ll be four in the bag… Anyway, let’s get moving, we haven’t got all night!” With that, the Captain began searching the Commander’s various desks and drawers, but to no avail. Finally, after having rummaged through every drawer several times, he stumbled upon a hidden lock, which he easily picked. Unfortunately for Captain Feldspar, the hidden container was also trapped, but he noticed only the letter it contained. “This is what we need, now let’s get back quickly!” he commanded after having read what was on the little piece of paper.

Several minutes later, Bob and Cuan were again outside the camp’s palisades, carrying the dwarves and the Commander in the bag of holding.
Suddenly, they could hear shouts of alarm from within the camp. “To arms! To arms! Our Commander hath been abducted! They cannot have cometh far!”
“Seems like we’re discovered,” whispered Cuan, “let us make haste!”
They ran as fast as they could back to the wagon as villagers were pouring out of the camp in pursuit of the kidnappers. They reached the wagon and made off just in time to avoid the first incoming arrows.
Gus watched the whole thing stupidly, before being taken captive by the villagers…

The wagon made it to Camp Stone Pit just before sunrise, which was not a second too soon, because Captain Feldspar’s face had turned greenish, and he had vomited several times during the journey, and that’s not normal for a dwarf. They left him in Camp Stone Pit Centre for Healing and Medicine, and then went to report to Commander Granite, who was very pleased with their accomplishments, but not with what he read on the letter they had brought. He showed it to the others.

This is how it read:
Dear Puny Human Commanding Officer,

I know that your folk is not particularly fond of the dwarves of Rock Quarry, and while I’m not particularly fond of you, I’m still offering you this deal: I will help you in conquering their lands and mines and enslaving their people, on the condition that you in return promise to export one tenth of the iron ore you produce to me. I will of course pay a fair price, so don’t give the letter that look! You will have your freedom, but must offer me military aid in times of great need. If you agree to these terms, I shall send you Boris, my pet toad, and ten thousand War Donkeys to your aid. They should serve you well.

Yours Sincerely, Cletus

PS: If you don’t agree, know that I have the power to conquer the dwarven lands myself, and yours as well for that matter, and I would do that had I not other pressing matters to attend to. Just a friendly warning, that’s all…


[This message has been edited by Namuras (edited November 13, 2001).]

 

Cuan's face soured. "Cletus! Again we see him wreaking havoc upon the land."

Commander Granite folded the letter back up. "I have heard of this Cletus. But why would he want our dwarven mines conquered and only gain a 10% return of just iron ore? He doesn't even live anywhere near here from what I've heard!"

Cuan nodded. "Correct. The exact location of his lair is hidden. It's fabeled to reside behind a Grand and Stupefyingly Ultra-Violent Cascade, but unfortunately there happens to be many hills and many falls in the region in which we think he is located. But anyway, yeah that is some ways from here. But you did say other dwarven communities across Nowhereinparticular are in tumultous times as well. This is not likely a coincidence. And my gosh, ten thousand war donkeys! There had to be some mass magic involved in transporting them here efficiently!"

The Commander agreed. "Right, so this Cletus is bent on obtaining our mines, as well as the mines of our dwarven brethern across the land. And for only a small return on iron ore production? I think something is amiss here. And then there is this issue of distance. Perhaps he has magical allies. Well, whatever the case, this is serious." The Commander stopped for a moment to get a swig of some dwarven ale. "Lady Lilly has told me you are on your way to Megalopolis. I hate to throw this responsibility on you but it looks like I will be busy with matters of warfare. I would ask that you keep Ye Olde Commander locked up safely in your Bag of Holding and while in Megalopolis take him and this letter to the courts. A few weeks of being holed up in a Bag of Holding should be motivation enough for a loose tongue don't you think?"

"Oh I'm sure. But how will they know that we come on behalf of the Dwarves of Rock Quarry?" asked Cuan with a worried look on his face.

"That's the rest of what I am asking of you. As you may know, to get to Megalopolis in the quickest amount of time from here, you must follow the road that passes through Rock Quarry and Ye Olde Village. I would ask that you veer off just enough to pass through Rock Quarry. There you will meet our leader, King Karst of Rock Quarry and surrounding mines. I will write a letter shortly, and it will explain our situation and why the King must trust you enough to travel to Megalopolis with you to plead our case. Besides, with an impending attack on Rock Quarry, it would be safer for our King to be away from possible harm. Would you be willing to do this?" The Commander's eyebrows raised in anticipation of an answer.

Bob spoke up. "Sure thing Commander. We'd be glad to help!"

"Good, good. Now for sake of keeping things low-key, let's keep the fact that you have Ye Olde Commander imprisoned in your bag a secret to all except the King."

Cuan frowned. "We should at least tell Lady Lilly."

The Commander frowned as well. "Fine, but only her. When the rest of your party or anyone else asks why you must escort King Karst to Megalopolis say it's a mere matter of the fact that you both happened to be in need of going in the same direction. I just don't want to make a big deal of this okay? For the King's safety and yours. We have spies, but so does the enemy."

Cuan nodded again. "We already suspect that lumbering toad, Boris, to be following us."

"Right then, you two get back with your party next door and have breakfast. I'm going to check on Captain Feldspar's condition and then began writing a letter of explanation to King Karst." Commander Granite turned towards the other dwarves. "Men, come with me."

***

A few hours later the morning sun began to beat down on the back of Pilli's head. "Ack! Can't even play a decent game of jacks in this heat!" The disgruntled gnome got up from his spot on the ground, where he had engaged in a game of jacks with the coachman and the chauffer. That's when he noticed the emus getting rowdy and Jethro wide awake and alert despite the fact that he had just been sleeping heavily. Pilli squinched his eyes to the horizon to see what had attracted the attention of the animals so quickly. "What's that you see beaties? Oh boy! Get up! Quit playing jacks you goofballs and tell me what that looks like to you!" Pillie said hurriedly and pointed towards the horizon.

The coachman yawned. "Looks like a few hundred armed and angry villagers mounted on war donkeys."

Then the chauffer yawned as well. "And they're coming this way."

All Pilli could do was slap his forehead.

***

Meanwhile, down in Camp Stone Pit, Commander Granite had sealed his letter with a special Rock Quarry seal and was heading towards Bob and his companions when the mayhem broke out. The screams and volleys of arrows made it clear what was happening. He frowned as he ducked for cover, seeing another dwarf who wasn't as fortunate. They knew an attack was coming just not when. But the Commander had faith in his dwarves as a battle plan had been well thought out and practiced. "Now's the time to put it to the test." he muttered to himself while loading his crossbow.

***

"What's happening?" shrieked Lilly as Bob sheilded her and Milly, taking them behind a stack of crates.

"A surprise attack! Get back!" warned Borolog as he spotted enemy archers standing atop the hill firing volleys of arrows on the camp below.

"I knew this wasn't a good setup." muttered Cuan as he drew his bow.

The Count pointed to the sky which was covered with arrows whizzing by. "Well, at least we're fighting in the shade!"

***

Pilli observed the situation for a moment and then leaped into the coach and pulled himself up into the seat of the giant crossbow. The coach was parked alongside several other wagons alongside the outer rim of the top of Camp Stone Pit. Meanwhile, the attackers had chosen to fire down upon the camp from the other side of the pit, where less wagons were parked. Pilli swiveled the crossbow around and aimed it towards this side of the pit. He could see the enemy archers raining their arrows on the camp below. Pilli grinned maliciously as he now aimed just below the archers, at the cliffside they were standing on. And then he fired. The cliff shot dirt everywhere as the magical bolt made impact and created a landslide, sending archers and war donkeys head over heels into Camp Stone Pit below. In the midst of all the confusion, none of the attackers knew where the bolt had come from. This allowed Pilli to shoot another surprise bolt ten seconds later, right in the front lines of the attackers, who had cautiously stepped back from the cliffside. Pilli couldn't help but laugh as he sent archers and donkeys flying.

***

Down below, in the middle of more mayhem, Borolog had cast a Defensive Harmony spell in hopes of shielding him and his friends from as many attacks as possible. Likewise, the Count had cast Mirror Image on himself and began escorting everyone to a safer spot on the other side of the camp nearest the coach, one by one. Arrows hit, but they hit the mirrored images and not the Count or the person he was escorting. He noticed that while some dwarves had taken up a defensive postition in hiding behind barrels and crates and firing their crossbows upwards at the attackers, many dwarves were not to be seen. Then he jumped as a loud thud sent the cliffside farthest away from him into a landslide. He and Milly, who he was escorting at the moment, looked towards each other and simultaneously gasped, "Pilli!"

***

Some of the attackers were alive despite their abrupt fall into Camp Stone Pit. Many of them drew their swords and yelled as they ran towards the dwarven lines. Consequently, many of them were shot and killed.

"I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time." said Bob as he let an arrow fly at one of the attackers.

That's when Cuan held his hand out and told Bob to quit firing for a moment and take a look. "See? Over there. That's Commander Granite, and he's gathering dwarves together to go through that secret tunnel he just opened. Let's go."

"Ok." Bob agreed and turned to Borolog. "See you at the top." And with that he and Cuan sneaked off to the entrance of the tunnel, following Commander Granite, who had just dissapeared into its depths as well.

The tunnel was fair sized and torch-lit and kept at an upward slope the whole way. When they reached the top, the came out from under one of the many wagons parked atop the hill. Not too far away, the dwarves had troted off by Commander Granite's orders and had begun attacking the enemy from behind at an angle. Cuan and Bob decided to hep out and picked off any would-be attackers with their arrows. As they neared part of the enemy lines, they noticed a familiar face caged and in the back of a wagon.

"Gus!" Bob called out when he saw the ogre.

"Cornbread!" called out Gus when he saw Bob.

Another of Pilli's magical crossbow bolts gave Bob and Cuan time to act as the guard watching Gus' cage fidgeted nervously debating if he should run lest a bolt hit near him. Cuan ran his sword through the guard and Bob snatched the keys to free Gus.

"Get in the bag Gus. I have more cornbread. I need you to keep company with the man inside. Guard him and make sure he doesn't try to do anything funny. Can you handle that Gus?" Bob asked waving a chunk of cornbread around.

"MMMMMM. Cornbread!" Gus' eyes grew large.

"Yes, cornbread. Now go get it." Bob chucked the piece into his Bag of Holding and Gus soon followed.

With Gus rescued, our heroes resumed in pumping the enemy with arrows. Bob found extra quivers of arrows in one of the enemy's wagons and added them to his supply. Meanwhile, Cuan shot a burly villager who had just cut off Corporal Limestone's hand.

That's when they saw the Commander. He had spotted them too, and was limping towards them waving a letter. Bob and Cuan rushed to his aid.

"Take this letter to the King. Go! Go now!" commanded Granite as he gave them the letter.

"But we've got to take you with us to get you healed." Bob insisted.

The Commander shook his head. "Protect the king and take our case to the courts. I'm not dead yet." He gave a weak smile.

Cuan nudged Bob and told him they needed to go. The Third Contingent of Rock Quarry's Special Forces had just arrived and was adding their might to the battle. "This is our chance to get Lady Lilly and the others out of here safely. Come while they are distracted, let's go!"

Bob knew it was the right thing to do. He knew warfare would be ugly, but he didn't have to like it. Cletus would get what was coming to him. Bob assured himself of this. "Yeah, let's go." Bob lead the way towards the tunnel to round everyone up and leave towards Rock Quarry.

***

The escape from Camp Stone Pit was not so bad, and the travelers left relatively unscathed. Well at least physically, but not emotionally. The journey to Rock Quarry took roughly two days. As they followed the road, the grassy plains gave way to grassy hills and steep slopes and valleys. Since they did not pass any inns alongside the road, they set up camp both nights. And on the third afternoon since the battle of Camp Stone Pit, they arrived on the outskirts of Rock Quarry.

 

Great work overall, B!

The story continues... But beware! It may contain some almost illegally long sentences!

________________________________________

Rock Quarry was finally within sight. The town was nestled on a steep granite wall; the dwellings seemingly carved out of the very rock, which they were. The best way to describe the cliff would probably be to compare it to a giant staircase. Someone who didn’t know better might even have believed it actually was a giant staircase, as in ‘staircase made by and for giants’, but then, after some moments of examination, they would notice several facts that contradicted this. One of these facts was that the steps were too narrow for the giants’ rather big feet, and another was that, for being a staircase, it had abnormally many holes. And then, after a while of examining these holes, they would find out several other facts; the most important ones being that dwarves inhabited them, and that said dwarves didn’t particularly like having uninvited guests poking their heads into their homes during dinner, and would hurl insults as well as kitchenware after them when they inevitably had to escape. Needless to say, those who didn’t know better never returned to Rock Quarry.
In recent years, the dwarves decided to make it perfectly clear to any visitor that the area was populated, and thus put up a sign in front of the recently built City Wall, which read: “Welcome to Rock Quarry!” Just to be certain, they erected another one a few metres behind the first: “But make sure not to disturb us during dinner!” Curiously, the market for kitchenware has experienced bad times since those signs first were put up.

“Somewhat easier to defend, this,” mused Cuan as they rode up to the City Wall.
“Well I’ll be damned! It looks like a giant staircase!” exclaimed Bob after a moment of regarding the town. “Hmm, a slightly double welcoming, wouldn’t you think?” he added when they passed the signs.
“You must understand, being interrupted while eating is something nobody can stand,” Borolog said. Bob considered this. “Fair enough,” he stated after a while.
Count Bantu regarded the second sign with amusement. “It’s the same with magical experiments, you know. I have a similar sign back at my estate…”
A bearded face and a loaded crossbow appeared on the wall just above the gate and asked them to state their business in Rock Quarry.
Cuan rode forth and held up his hand as a sign of peace. “Greetings, Gatewarden! We come on behalf of Commander Granite with a letter for King Karst!”
“Oh good, good indeed! We have been waiting for word from Camp Stone Pit for a while now,” said the gatewarden as he opened the great granite door. “I trust you bring joyous news, my good elf?”
“Well, I don’t really know what’s in the letter, but whether or not it’s good news is for the King to decide…”
“As it should be. Follow me, then!” The old dwarf closed the gate behind the party and led the way to the King.

The Royal Palace was nothing, really. If you’re only judging the exterior, that is. Upon entering the Palace, our heroes couldn’t help to be amazed by the sheer beauty of the corridor they found themselves in. It was cut out of the very bedrock, but it was polished and glistened in the light of the countless torches. On the walls were portraits of all the late kings of Rock Quarry, and the current one as well. The kings seemed to shine with inner lights; an illusion created by the numerous gems, mostly crystals and rubies, used in the making of the portraits.
When they had reached the other end of the corridor, the Gatewarden opened the door to the King’s Throne Room and bowed deeply. “King Karst awaits.” With that, he returned to his position on the City Wall.

The Throne Room was even more beautiful. Everything in it, including the throne itself, was cut out and polished from the bedrock, much as the Kings’ Corridor, but two large veins of crystal ran through the walls and the domed ceiling was covered by a thin layer of gold, making the entire room bath in gold and silvery light. The King wasn’t on his throne, however, and instead they found him in the next room, going through some paperwork. When the group entered, he looked up. After the initiating greetings, and when Lilly had explained the best she could about their mission, Cuan handed the letter to the King, who read it carefully. “Hmm, yes. Grave news indeed… Anyway, I would wish you to be our guests for the night, you must be weary from your travels.” They nodded, and King Karst called for someone to show them to their quarters. However, he wanted Lilly, Bob and Cuan to come back and speak with him afterwards, while the others could do whatever they pleased, as long as they didn’t disturb any eating dwarves, of course.
“Okay, I take it you all know what this is about?” asked King Karst when the three had returned. Bob and Cuan nodded, but Lady Lilly gave him a questioning look. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, your Majesty…”
“You guys haven’t told her? Commander Granite seemed to suggest that you would... No matter, you have your chance now.”
A perceptive observer would notice that Cuan’s face turned slightly towards the red side of the spectrum. “Umm, sorry, we forgot. What we were supposed to tell you was that Cletus is the one behind the war…”
“…And that we have the Ye Olde Commanding Officer in our bag of holding,” Bob filled in.
“Cletus!” gasped Lilly, her face paler than ever.
“Yes, it seems we have a common enemy, M’Lady, even if you haven’t said as much. The Commander explained this in the letter. So, what I wish is that you accompany me to Megalopolis, so that I may plead our case and maybe even receive help from some of the Dukes. If I have understood this correctly, you were already on your way to Megalopolis, so you would surely not object to bringing an old dwarf along, correct?”
“Well, no, really, but it’s imperative that we reach Megalopolis within three weeks,” replied Lilly.
“Don’t worry about that, M’Lady, my errand is even more urgent! But if we take the route from here to the Northern Mines, and then through the Carrot Plains and further on towards the Nerien Woods, we will surely make it to the capital in no time, even if we stop to admire the stony faces of Mount Eyesore on the way. I shall ask Chancellor Quarts to act as ruler in my absence. Shall we be off tomorrow, then?”
“Sure thing, King, sounds good to us!”
Upon hearing Bob saying that, King Karst raised an eyebrow, and then shrugged. “Very well, see you tomorrow morning! Now, if you excuse me, I still have some work to do…”


[This message has been edited by Namuras (edited November 25, 2001).]

 

Hang tight Namuras, the next installment will be soon.

 

By all means, take your time.

(The purpose of this post is mainly to prevent any inconvenience with the 'no double posts' rule that Big B might otherwise experience. )

 

Whew, sorry about the delay Namuras. Here's the next installment to get the ball rolling again. Good job for you too.


"Well he certainly was a dwarf of many words." Bob remarked as the trio walked through the cavernous throne room.

"Nothing like the long-winded Commander." Cuan quipped.

Lilly eyed the two and shook her head. "Don't be silly guys, I am sure he's busy, being the king. Do you realize how much crap he has to go through? He's probably looking forward to getting away. Although it's no vacation..." Lilly's voice trailed off and both Cuan and Bob wanted to fill the following silence with a reassuring comment concerning the success of their quest so far and Lilly's health, but didn't get the chance as a dwarven lass greeted them.

She asked them if they were enjoying their stay, and to be sure to call for assistance if they saw anything unfit about their rooms. Then the dwarf returned to her cleaning.

Lilly gave her thanks, and as they headed across the ornate throne room she was reminded of Charles, her halfling butler, who had stayed at her home in Middle to look over things. She hoped he was doing alright.

Bob whistled. "What was that banner that dwarf was dusting? It looks all fancy-fied with all those gemstones embedded on it!"

"That is the dwarven banner of Rock Quarry, and indeed it is impressive," answered Lilly. "You'll see it and many more when we reach Megalopolis. Many groups have their banner displayed at the capital."

When they reached the cliff staircase on the outside, Bob marveled at the grand view he was getting of the sunset. And as they made their way up towards their quarters at the top of the cliff, Lilly made a comment that this was the most beautiful thing she had seen on her journey so far. Both Bob and Cuan agreed.

At the top, a dwarven sentry nodded to the travelers and opened a heavy door, revealing a cozy hallway leading to their quarters. The main room was furnished with a table and several chairs, bookcases, desks, and four beds. On each side of the main room, were two more bedrooms with four beds each and a basin for bathing. The guests had been informed that this hallway was suited for *welcome* visitors to Rock Quarry, and had furnishings more accomodated to the standards of races taller than dwarves.

Upon entering the main room, Bob found Borolog and the Count reading at the table. Jethro was asleep on one of the beds, and Milly could be heard next door apparently singing and bathing.

"Whatcha reading?" Bob asked, pulling a chair up to the table.

"A brief overview of Dwarven history in Nowhereinparticular", the Count replied, as he flashed the cover of the enormous book he had begun to read towards Bob.

"Brief history indeed," laughed Borolog. "For my reading urges, these scrolls are all I need."

"And what scrolls would those be?" asked Bob, his curiosity arising.

"Scrolls of priestly kind." Borolog held up a scroll for Bob to see. "To enhance the mind."

"But I thought you were an illusionist?" Bob asked, looking confused.

"He is." confirmed Cuan while Borolog nodded. "But he is studying the way of a priest as well. Remember that handy defensive harmony spell he cast back in the battle at Camp Stone Pit?"

"I see," said Bob, who couldn't understand a single word on the scroll Borolog had shown him. "So where is everyone else?"

"They got wind of a dwarven pub *downstairs* and decided to go check it out." offered the Count.

Bob sighed and got up to pet Jethro and feed him a treat.

***A Few Hours Later***

"What happened to you?" Bob asked when Pilli came bursting in the door, complaining.

"We took a wrong turn." Explained the Nobleman as he helped pull a fork from Pilli's chainmail armor.

"How's the dwarven night life?" joked the Count, putting away his book for the night.

"Way cool man!" The drunken chauffer gave him a thumbs up and proceeded in shaking himself free of any loose silverware.

"Isn't it late for supper?" Milly asked in disbelief.

"Must've been a midnight snack." Pilli winced as he found another lodged fork.

After everyone had settled down, they called it a night. Bob, Jethro, Borolog, Cuan, and Count Bantu stayed in the main room. The two ladies went into one of the remaining rooms and the rest of the crew took the other.

Bob set aside his plate armor for the night and relieved Jethro of his special "suit" as well. He loved the feel wearing armor, it made him feel important and strong. But sleeping with armor on just didn't cut it. He looked forward to a night of sleeping in a comfy bed. What he didn't realize was that Jethro was looking forward to resting his head on his master's stomach all night. Bob heard Lilly let out a couple of outrageous coughs next door and then turned to one side and feel asleep.

* When Bob opened his eyes again, he was sitting at a candle-lit table at a high class tavern across from a beautiful lady. It was Lilly. She was in a deep purple dress and looked to be in good health, much like Milly. But Bob could feel that this was definately Lilly. She smiled and said something to him. He felt like it was a chore to formulate his thoughts and actually reply back coherently. She giggled at his tongue-tied predicament and a waiter came to take their order. Bob didn't focus on any part of the dinner, except Lilly. She was so captivating. And he was such a clutz. When she told him a joke while he was drinking, he burst out laughing and spewed his drink all over the table through his nose. He looked at Lilly sheepishly for a moment of dread silence and suddenly they broke out laughing at once. Later, when the meal was over, Bob got out of his chair first with the intent of being a gentleman and holding his hand out to help Lilly up from hers. But it didn't happen that way as he tangled his feet up with the rungs of his chair and went sprawling to the floor.

More events seemed to happen with a blur, but came to an end as Lilly told Bob she had a delightful time and leaned forward to kiss him. Bob leaned forward as well, and when they kissed he thought to himself, "Man Lilly sure is a wet kisser!" *

Bob awoke startled from his dream, only to find Jethro right in front of his face, licking him in an attempt to wake him up.

Cuan had witnessed this and couldn't help but laugh. "Rise and shine Romeo. You can smooch with your dog another time. We've got some traveling ahead of us."

Bob groaned and pushed Jethro off the side of the bed. *Could it already be time to get up?* Bob sighed and turned over in hopes of stealing just a few more muinutes of sleep...

"Bob!" Lilly called as she began closing the door. "We're leaving."

Startled, Bob shot up from bed and put his feet on the cold floor. He stood up and looked around the room, but couldn't find anyone. Just then he felt two cold hands reach out and grab him by the ankles!

Bob let out a yelp and jumped away from the bed. The door burst open with everyone laughing, startling Bob some more. He looked down under his bed, to see a grinning elf poke his head out.

"Cuan! You lousy elf! If you ever do that again, I'll..." gasped Bob.

"You'll get ready like a good Bob and join us for breakfast." said Cuan as he rolled out from under Bob's bed, dodging a would-be kick.

***

After a small breakfast in a room further down the guest hallway, our heroes were lead to a stockroom where they resctocked their packs for the journey ahead. They were then escorted down to the palace as the sun was just rising. On their way, they passed a line of singing dwarves marching off to the nearest entrance to the mines.

"I think they are singing 'Whistle while you work'." Cuan offered.

"No, no, no. It's 'Hi Ho Hi Ho, it's off to work we go'." corrected Borolog.

Before the debate could go any further, King Karst greeted them. "Good morning fellow travelers. Since our destination is the same, I will be traveling with you, in hopes of leading you through the quickest route ot Megalopolis. I regret not having time to give you a tour of our fabulous mines, but that is the way of things. I understand you have a stagecoach as transportation?"

The Count cleared his throat and stated. "It is a magically modified stagecoach and is led by stout emus as well. You can ride in the coach of course if you prefer."

King Karst nodded. "Yes I would prefer the coach. Sorry, but I am not familiar with emus."

"Alright then." Lilly looked at the rising sun. "Let's be off then."

***

Their trek to the Northern Mines got a bit rugged at times as they traveled through mountain passes. A rockslide in one caused a slight detour. But by nightfall, they had reached a dwarven encampment which marked the beginning of the Northern mines.

From what Bob could see their was just a few lodgings at the base of the mountain. Although he suspected a larger part of the camp remained hidden up on the mountain. Nevertheless, King Karst instructed them to set up camp at the base of the mountain. A few dwarven soldiers were surprised to see their king, and quickly scrambled to get a good dinner in order.

During dinner, Bob opened his Bag of Holding and fed Gus a few more bits of cornbread, while eying a disgruntled prisoner as well. He gave him a few table scraps and then closed the bag securely. "What's next King Karst?"

"Tommorrow we will traverse the mountain passes some more and even pass by Mount Eyesore. It's a two day journey left through the mountains and then we should reach the Carrot Plains. There are a few scattered farms as well in the plains." answered the King, after downing his wine.

"Good." Bob, having been raised on a farm, was looking forward to seeing some familiar territory. "You think they might help me restock up on cornbread?"

King Karst let out a hearty laugh. "I don't see why not young Bob. Although they might be supplying you with a bit of carrot cake as well."

 

Loved the part with the singing dwarves...

Anyway, the tale goes on...

While the cheery lot finished their dinner and went to rest, something completely different happened approximately five metric miles above their heads, in the Hall of Seasons, where the Lords of the Firmament dwelt.
The tricksy and slightly mentally unstable Spring had decided to pull a dirty prank on poor, grumpy Winter. He sneaked into old Winter’s quarters, past the office and the bathroom, through the bedroom and finally into a little closet where the thermostat was situated. He turned it up from ‘Freezing’ to ‘Fairly Warm’, and then on to ‘Bloody Hot’. He stealthily sneaked out again.
A few minutes later, a terrible scream could be heard from Winter’s office, and the god himself came bursting through the entrance to the main hall, yelling “My hair! My beard! It has melted! Melted, I say! When I find the one responsible…”
Upon hearing the old deity’s outburst and seeing his bald head, everyone in the hall, even the dreary Autumn, suddenly lay laughing on the floor and could hardly breathe. Winter, in his fury, caused a local snowstorm before heading back to his own quarters in order to reset the thermostat.

Next morning, Bob woke up, got dressed, put on his armour and looked around him. The room was empty, save for Jethro who were still snoozing beside his bed. He peered out of the window. White. The word white went around in his mind for a few moments, but he couldn’t quite grasp what it was supposed to tell him. He entered the next room, where the others were having breakfast.
“Morning, deep sleeper!” Cuan called out. “How’s the night been?”
“Dunno, I was asleep all the time,” answered Bob, yawning.
An amused smile crossed the elf’s face. “Ah, still a little tired, I see. Well, anyhow, you may have noticed that it’s been snowing…”
“White! Snow! Yes, that’s it!” thought Bob’s mind. He nodded thoughtfully.
“…And that means we can’t travel by coach today, well, at least not until the problem is solved, so we let you sleep.”
Bob sat down to eat his breakfast, which today consisted of three slices of cornbread and some of the remains from yesterday’s dinner. He also discretely passed a piece of roasted gibberling to his prisoner, and some more cornbread to Gus.
Two minutes later, Borolog had finished his fried donkeyleg sandwiches, so he jumped off his chair, and began walking towards the door. “Well, I’m going out. If you want something, just shout.”
He closed the door, but Bob could see through the window how the gnome ploughed his way through the snow and finally reached Count Bantu and the Nobleman, who were standing in the distance. Faint tendrils of smoke could be seen looming above them.
Bob turned to Pilli, who were currently finishing off a carrot of considerable size. “Any idea what they’re doing?” he inquired.
The gnome chewed a little more, swallowed and looked up. “What? Who?”
“The Count and the Nobleman.” Bob pointed out of the window, and Pilli leapt up on the table to get a better look.
“Hehe, grown men playing with fire,” he said, and quickly added, “I think I’ll join them…”
“They’re researching a new spell,” informed Lilly, “that is, Count Bantu is, and the Nobleman’s helping him. Something about a new sort of fireshield, I think.”
Pilli, who were about to jump out of the window, suddenly changed his mind about going out. “Wouldn’t wanna be near that one when he’s doing his research. Last time, he turned me into a troll, remember? I can’t help to feel sorry for the poor Nobleman, he’ll get roasted before this day has passed.”

When Bob had almost finished the day’s first meal, Count Bantu burst into the small building where they were lodged; followed shortly after by Borolog. Both were completely soaked through.
“Blasted weather! Hah, snow in April!” exclaimed the Count, and continued, muttering, “the weather lords must be out of their minds. If only there were someplace where one could register complaints about such things…”
Milly queried about what had happened, but the Count just muttered on, so Borolog had to answer in his stead. “What shall I say?” He shrugged. “One of the flaming subjects flew away. In a big spruce it decided to sit, and the snow on it melted, with us under it.”
“Did you succeed?” demanded Lilly.
Borolog nudged Count Bantu, making him stop muttering and returning him to the land of mental health. “What? Um, yes,” he said, “yes, we were quite successful. Oh yes, that reminds me that I should reanimate these.” He held out four small and severely burnt birds, and the roasted carcass of a slightly larger creature. “Or we can feed them to the emus. Yes, we should probably do that instead, they could use a snack.”
Bob looked upon the charred corpses. “But what are they? And what happened to them?”
“What they are?” replied the Count. “Well, unless I’m mistaken, which I very well may be, as I’m not a zoologist, these bodies belonged to two blackbirds, one hooded crow, one waxwing and an unfortunate kobold that happened to scuttle by. They were all test subjects for my new, improved, and actually quite fantastic fireshield that can be cast upon another creature, for example an emu, making an incredibly effective snowplough. Friends, we can be off anytime now.”

King Karst had been busy all morning discussing the natural erosion of metamorphic rock-types and the process in which carbon is transformed into diamonds, with the lieutenant of the encampment, a long-bearded fellow by the name of Gneiss. When Bob and Cuan came to tell him that it was time to go, he hastily bid everyone farewell, and within a few minutes they were off.
The coachman and the chauffeur really appreciated the newest addition to the coach, which was a barrier of magical fire that stretched out from the left of the one of the two first emus to the right of the other, forming a flaming arc before the giant birds. It was a joy to drive something like this, they said, and besides, it looked really cool.
“Well, that’s the purpose of it,” explained Count Bantu, “that, and melting the snow in front of us as we travel. But we must remember to put out the fire when we stop, and we must not use it where there’s no snow, or it might start a fire.”

They travelled fast, and the ground passed under them at a furious pace, only slowing at a few difficult mountain passages. Sometimes, the company could spot dwarven settlements or a mine entrance or two on the white slopes of the mountains, but mostly, they travelled in the valleys, where a dense forest of firs obscured the view.
When the sun started to set, King Karst glanced out of the coach window. “Ah,” he began, turning to Lady Lilly; “we’re quite near Mount Eyesore now. I expect we shall be there in no more than half an hour. It is a good place to set up camp for the night, and the faces of the ancient dwarven kings that are carved out of the very rock are best viewed in daylight. It would be a pity if you missed that.”
“Ah yes, the famous Mount Eyesore,” Lilly said. “I’ve been thinking of making a visit for some years now, actually, but never got around to doing it. I’m looking forward to seeing it.”
The old dwarf smiled, and kept doing so for a while, but then he started looking around him, as if searching for something. “Tell me, M’lady, weren’t you eleven before?” he enquired.
“Why yes, why are you asking?” replied Lilly.
“Well, because you’re only ten now, including the dog, who, by the way, wears a very nice suit of armour.”
“Yes, you’re right…” Lilly, too, looked around her. “Where’s the Nobleman?”
“Oh, he left when the research was completed,” informed Count Bantu, for a moment lifting his eyes from the book about the dwarves’ history that he had borrowed. “He had to leave for a few days in order to inform a bunch of shepherds about some really important person who had presumably been born, or at least that’s what he said. He’ll catch up with us in a few days.”

The King was right; they arrived shortly after at Mount Eyesore, where they stopped for the night.
The nocturnal sky was perfectly clear; no clouds could be seen, and the stars were shining. The silence was broken but once, when someone high above them suddenly let out a hearty, roaring laughter. The Count, who had the watch, looked up and could see a rather big fellow cross the heavens in a sleigh pulled by some form of deer. He made a mental note to get himself one of those when he got back to Middle, and then thought nothing more about it.

The next day started with a lengthy account by King Karst on the dwarven kings portrayed on the mountainside. He told them about King Granite I, founder of Rock Quarry, and about his predecessors Granite II, Obsidian and Garnet and what they were remembered for. Most of our heroes even found it interesting, for the King was a great storyteller.
Then it was time to get moving, and on the ensuing morning they had with little problems reached the vast Carrot Plains. Surprisingly enough, when they left the mountains, they also left the snow behind them.

Two days later, when the white substance that covered the mountains had melted, a giant toad awoke from his short hibernation, and hopped down the rocky slopes towards the plains as gracefully as a giant toad whose body temperature had recently been just above the freezing point, but now had risen a little, possibly could.

 

Thumbs up Namuras, I love the fireshield idea.

The adventure continues...

When lunchtime came, it was a quick consensus to stop the coach by the side of the road and get out for lunch. Bob felt a comforting peace and a menacing pit in his stomach simultaneously, as he looked all around seeing himself surrounded by fields of green sprouts sticking out of the ground. Bob knew that carrots lay underneath the surface of these fields, tons and tons of carrots.

Perhaps it was the peace of the moment, or the welcome food to the stomachs of our travelers, that distracted them from noticing a few figures sneak up behind them. Whatever the case may have been, they finally did know something was amiss when they felt the prongs of pitchforks poking in their backs.

“Ya’ll are trespassin’ on Halloway land!” A gruff farmer broke the silence.

“It’s a public road for crying out loud.” Yelped Pilli as the farmer behind him prodded his pitchfork harder.

“Yes, but you ain’t on the road anymore. You is on the grass beside the road now!” Another farmer was getting so worked up, he began to froth at the mouth.

The Count slowly rose to his feet and turned around. “A mere technicality my good gentleman. I can have the coach moved at once.”

The lead farmer scratched his beard and eyed the trespassers suspiciously. “How do I know you ain’t here to cause trouble?”

The frothing farmer raised his pitchfork in the air. “Yeah! Prove to us that you is good ol’ country folk.”

King Karst shuffled restlessly. “We are friendly travelers, nothing more. Kind of like that fine Lieutenant back at camp the other day, now he was a *Gneiss* guy.” joked the King, hoping to use humor to soften the hearts of the farmers.

Despite the forced chuckles of our travelers, the farmers weren’t amused. Well, that was until Bob began burping the alphabet and farting to the tune of “The Ballad of Frank the Fearsome Coon Hunter”.

“You is! You is a country boy!” Frothed the young farmer. “You must be fine folk if you have a country boy wit you.”

When the lead farmer nodded and everyone got the pitchforks removed from their backs, Count Bantu leaned towards Borolog and muttered, “Nothing like potty humor to amuse the masses.”

The old farmer introduced himself to Bob as Leonard Halloway. “And this here is my seven sons and one daughter.” The farmer waved his hand to the motley crew of farmers.

“And I’m Bob Johnson, son of John the Plowman of Hickory Farms, out in the country, past Middle.” Bob extended his hand to the farmer. “And these are my companions.” Then Bob leaned closer to Leonard and whispered with a grin, “We’re on an important quest.”

“Jumpin’ Jehosophats! Why didn’t ye say so before boy? C’mon and follow us back to the barn. We’ll get you all fixed up.” The farmer lowered his excited voice and winked at Bob, “For your quest."

***

Almost an hour later, the Coach slowly pulled up beside the Halloway’s barn. “Don’t mind the music, the Hickman’s are over for a visit, and my sugar pumpkin, Martha, is learnin’ them how to square dance.”

The barn was larger than Bob’s back at home, but the cabin beside it was a bit smaller. Bob noticed Jethro having fun, chasing the chickens around. It had been awhile since he had been able to do that, but it seemed even longer. Getting involved with the dwarves and their battles seemed to widen the gap between the comforts of home and the life on the road.

Leonard led Bob and Cuan to a underground cellar which Bob recognized as a safe haven from passing tornadoes. “Cornbread you say?” Leonard eyed the elf.

Cuan ducked from hitting his head on the ceiling/ground. “Yeah, Bob here loves cornbread,” said Cuan nudging Bob out of a daydream, who nodded.

“Well, lucky for you. My honey dew, Martha, gets paid in cornbread squares for her square dancin’ lessons from the Dula family out by Reedy Creek.” Old farmer Halloway uncovered a basket full of cornbread. “Only a couple of days old too. Here take it. I prefer carrot cake. Matter o’ fact, wanna carrot?” He produced a carrot from his front overall pocket.

Beads of sweat broke out on Bob’s forehead and he took a step back. Cuan interceded for Bob, “He’s a bit shy of carrots. But I’ll take it, sure.” Bob winced as Cuan crunched his carrot loudly.

“Well nobody’s perfect,” offered Leonard. “Not like you is the hero of Nowhereinparticular, slayer of giant bad guys, and freedom fighter for the common folk, or anything like that. You gotta take this quest business one step at a time.” With that the old farmer chuckled. “Reminds me of my questin’ days. Before I met my little dumplin’, Martha, I set out on a quest for gold. Eight days and a bumblebee sting later, I found it. Golden fields o’ wheat. That is until the gov’ment made us grow carrots instead. Yup, those were the good ol’ days, when you could get a wad o’ tree gum for a pistre*. Well here I is a ramblin’ on, let’s get back and see what everyone is up to.” exclaimed the old man. Bob and Cuan didn’t argue.

When they entered the barn, Bob and Cuan were surprised to see their fellow companions square dancing. Milly grabbed Cuan by the arm and drug him in. In the meantime, Bob went over to Lilly, who was tapping her foot in the corner.

“May I have this dance Miss Lilly?” Bob extended his hand.

“Yes you may, good sir,” smiled Lilly.
Bob proceeded in showing Lilly some of the more gentle square dancing moves, if there is such a thing. One Hickman daughter got so caught up in the moment she nearly sent Pilli flying out the window.

After awhile everyone began to tire, and Bob knew it was time to move on, despite the fun. “Aww? Leaving us so soon? Stay for the night at least,” pleaded the old farmer. “I have my stuffed coon collection to show you still.”

“Thank you for your hospitality. It’s a wonder, I’m sure,” Bob said while shaking Leonard’s hand and leaning in whispering, “but we’ve got to get on with our quest.”

“Ahh yes, the quest,” the old man whispered back. “Are you sure cornbread is all you need?”

“Well, we could get a confirmation on our directions. We just keep following the road towards the setting sun right?” Bob queried.

“Yes but it does fork about an hour’s distance from here. Where you headed?” asked Leonard excitedly.

“The fastest route towards the Nerien Woods.” grinned Bob.

“The Nerien Woods. You don’t say. Well, only went out that way once, when I was a travelin’ lad, you know. Definitely take the fork on the left. If ye hurry, ye might make it to the town of Reedy Creek at a decent hour. Stay at the Masked Coon Inn, and tell the owner, Leonard Halloway sent ya. You’ll get a hot deal I’m sure. That’s the last settlement I know of before you reach the Nerien Woods. Of course the road splits off around it the long way, but it sounds like you all want to go through the woods. Well, that’s your business. Now, here take these three carrot cakes as a sign of our appreciation for you fine heroes. My busy bee, Martha, baked these this morning. You’ll love ‘em,” old Leonard Halloway said while beaming from ear to ear.

Everyone gave their thanks and waved farewell. As they rode off in the distance, they heard the old farmer yell, “Remember, it’s the Masked Coon Inn at Reedy Creek, take the left fork! And don’t take shortcuts through the fields, it’s for your own good!”
***
About nine o’ clock that night, the coachman pulled the emu driven coach into the small town of Reedy Creek. Many eyes gave them suspicious looks, but they were just looks and luckily not actions. The town was primarily centered on the main strip, which the coach had been cruising down, and that cruise, was about to end as the road began to lead back out of town up ahead. This made our travelers grow nervous. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” sighed Milly as the coach passed a group of raucous drunks.

“There’s a tavern, but it’s called the Flasked Boon.” Pilli pointed at a two-story building, which marked itself as the last building in Reedy Creek on this side of the strip.

“That’s probably it,” assured Cuan as the coachman brought the coach to a halt. “That old man probably meant it, but just had his coon collection on his mind. Good coachman, you and the chauffer take the stable out back and secure the emus.” Cuan lifted a couple of bags. “Lock the coach up to, we don’t need to take all this in with us if we are just staying the night.”

At this Lilly and Milly scrambled about the coach, making sure they got all the necessary supplies to get them through the night.

“Women,” Cuan muttered.

When they stepped inside they felt as if the whole tavern and its patrons stopped their conversations and games to stare at the newest guests. Bob felt as if every conceivable board creaked under their footsteps, determined on making their presence known to even the town drunk.

Finally, he made it to the counter and told the man behind it that Leonard Halloway had sent them. The innkeeper shrugged, saying he didn’t remember a “Leonard” Halloway, but that a room would cost 22 pnedes for one night. Lilly stepped up and got 3 rooms. The innkeeper called a ruddy boy over and told him to escort the guests to their rooms. If every floorboard was creaky, it was nothing compared to the stairs.

Their rooms were nothing special. When the boy left, Lilly sat down on a bed and told the others they might as well make the best of it and get a good night’s rest. “The woods won’t be nearly as comfy, and that’s not saying much.”

Everyone agreed exhaustedly, and no one even bothered to go downstairs once the coachman and the chauffer arrived. If they had, they might’ve noticed a dark figure nodding, and slipping a rare looking flask of some sort towards one of the tavern’s more unsavory characters, who smiled a toothless grin at this gesture.

***

At first Bob thought it was another dream. Yep, he could sure smell something roasting. What was that? The fifteen-bean casserole his mom used to make? No, not quite. It was more like a burning wood and-BURNING WOOD!?! Bob shot straight up out of bed, dodging a hurried Borolog who had just awaken too.

“Fire!” Yelled the Count, almost bashing their door down. Bob nearly tripped over a skittish Jethro as he pulled his stuff together. Cuan came in the room from the other side, leading the ladies. Pilli had succeeded in breaking the window rather than just opening it, and Borolog had tied their bedsheets together to make a quick rope. At this point the rooms were getting smokey and the fire had already ravaged its way through the ladies’ room and most of the hallway outside. Cuan went first only to help down at the bottom, and he was followed quickly by Lilly and Milly and a skitterish coachman and chauffer. The Count was the last one down, keeping the fire at bay with a few spells.

But their was no time for sighs of relief as angry townsfolk waved pitchforks and who knows what else at the escapees, as if the fire was their fault.

“That’s our cue to leave,” exclaimed Pilli, running for the coach.

Panting, everyone followed. The emus were still wide-awake and ready to go. Bob wondered if they ever got tired. And just as the coach was about to leave, Bob saw where they got their protein as one pecked a fatal wound into a would-be angry villager. This made the rest of the villagers hesitant and gave our heroes time to escape certain doom once again.

“Looks like we hit the woods a bit early tonight.” The Count breathed heavily.

“What was *that* all about?” Milly exclaimed, brushing her hair out of her eyes with her fingers.

“I don’t even want to began to think about it,” came a tired groan from the top hatch as Pilli shot a bolt of warning back at the town.

“Looks like someone’s interested in our quest. Don’t rule out Cletus, he has to know what we’re up to!” Cuan shouted as he rode his emu alongside the coach.

“Jumping to conclusions will do us no good. Now knock it off before you upset the ladies,” warned the Count out his window.

“Relax, you two. No need to bicker amongst ourselves. We knew this quest wouldn’t be a joyride, I only hope the Nobleman will be able to catch up with us,” worried Lilly.

“It’s ok, I told him to meet us in the town of Edictsville, on the other side of the Nerien Woods if it came to that. It’s on the way to Megalopolis, in fact it’s on a direct trade route to the Capitol.” The Count’s tone was promising.

Bob did hope the days ahead promised more pleasant adventures than the one they were having that night.

*The Nowhereinparticularian currency, one pnede= twelve pistres.

 

Ooohh, scary there, B!

The Tale goes ever on and on
Out from the minds where it began.
Now far ahead the Tale has gone,
Yet I must write on when I can!

Umm, yeah. Dreadfully sorry about the delay.

----------------------------------------------------


They had been travelling for a few hours, when they suddenly found themselves among the first trees of the forest. Looking back, Pilli could still see the inn blazing at the horizon, a light in the starless sky. Being very weary, the company stopped and set up camp under the boughs of a large oak. The night was silent and uneventful.

It was nigh noon when they at last continued their journey. Soon the wood grew denser around them, and a ceiling formed by the leaves and branches of great trees overshadowed the road, yet many beams of sunlight pierced it and found their way to the ground. It was a beautiful forest, light, airy and pleasant.
Bob recalled the words of old farmer Halloway, and couldn’t quite understand why someone would want to take the long road around this wood. At length he asked about it.
“Many kinds of creatures live here,” replied Cuan, “and many of them are creatures you’d rather not meet.”
“Elves?” inquired Pilli, looking down at Cuan with a slightly raised eyebrow and a curious smile.
“Elves have indeed lived here, though that was long ago. Now there’s only one, as far as I know,” said Cuan, missing, to the gnome’s disappointment, the purpose of the question (perhaps because it does not easily occur to an elf that someone wouldn’t want to meet him). “Only ruins remain of what used to be a great city,” he continued. “Destroyed by squirrels, it was.”
“Squirrels?” demanded the others. King Karst curiously poked his head out of the window. “Yes, squirrels,” he confirmed. ”But not ordinary squirrels, of course. No, the poor elves were beset by legion upon legion of fell, monstrous squirrels that moved so quickly that they could dodge an arrow with ease, and their teeth were so sharp, they could gnaw through the finest dwarven armour as if it was butter. But as if that wasn’t enough! They were led by great, vicious badgers that could break the necks of the largest of trolls with a single bite! It is a small wonder, then, that the elves didn’t prevail. And even to this day, no one knows the reason behind the sudden attack.”
“Our good king seems to know a whole lot of elven history,” laughed Cuan.
“Not quite,” said King Karst, “but this particular event is well recorded in the libraries of Rock Quarry. It happened in the time of Garnet II, the sixth King of Rock Quarry, who sent five hundred soldiers to aid the elves. Only three ever came back, along with a few dozen elven refugees.”
“And these squirrels still exists?“ asked Bob, not entirely without worry in his voice.
“Hopefully not, though rumours still speak of foul beasts that dwell among the ruins of Gold Leaf,” answered Cuan. “That is in the other side of the forest, though, so we don’t have to worry.”
“Not about those, at least“ put in Count Bantu. “But there are, as you said, other creatures in the forest. Trolls, for example. And…”
The coach abruptly stopped short, and the chauffeur let out a loud shout: “Kobolds!”

Across the road was a bar, and on either side of it stood a kobold. Several more could be glimpsed among the shrubbery on the roadside. One of them stepped forth, and looking up at the company he said, “Yeah, so?”
“Err, I beg your pardon?” said Cuan.
“Your buddy there just yelled ‘kobolds’, and we kind of wonder why. You’re not racists, are you? I hate racists.”
“Umm, sorry,” mumbled the chauffeur, “it’s just that I’ve had bad experiences with kobolds in the past.”
The little beast looked suspiciously at him. “Well, I see,” he said, “but anyway, you’re on our territory now, and all who want to pass through must pay us. Twenty pnedes a head.”
“What? That’s highway robbery!” exclaimed Count Bantu.
“It is,” replied the kobold with a smirk, “but I suggest you pay, or you won’t reach wherever you’re going.”
“Very well, we’ll pay,” said Lady Lilly and handed over the money through one of the coach’s windows.
“Excellent. And then there’s the camping fee, if you want to rest safely within the forest.”
Lilly paid for that too, for Edictsville was still more than a day’s journey ahead.
“And lastly, we have to charge you something for bringing that fancy weapon of yours through our forest,” said the little creature with a glance at the crossbow. “Let’s see, umm, fifty pnedes, perhaps?”
As Lilly stretched out to pay one last time, the chauffeur leaned towards the coachman. “That’s why I hate kobolds…” he whispered.

That being done, the bar was removed. They were just about to start again, when one of the kobolds on the roadside scuttled forth and exchanged a few words with the leader, who then spoke up again.
“It appears as if you’ve burnt one of us up in the mountains. Richard here tells me he saw you… What do you have to say about that?”
Fearing further expenses, or perhaps worse, Borolog decided to intervene.
“Oh, that was Count Bantu. You’ll have to excuse him, he’s new,” he said.
The Count was quick to play along, “Yeah, sorry, my bad.”
“Well, OK then. Now, off with you!” said the kobold.

Two relatively uneventful days and some carrot cake later, they left the forest behind, and the town of Edictsville lay on a low hill before them.



[This message has been edited by Namuras (edited January 26, 2002).]

 

It's good to recap, so everyone once in awhile I will do this with the characters. It makes a good reference and keeps the reader in-line with who's who and the general gist of what's going on . Which is some great stuff by the way. Good job Namuras.

Here's the character list:

THE JOHNSONS>>>
-BOB JOHNSON, son of John the Plowman and hero of the story.
-JOHN THE PLOWMAN, a farmer and coincidentally Bob's dad.
-EMMA MAE (I have another helping of cornbread), Bob's mom, and a good cook.
-JETHRO, the family hound dog, who dutifully follows his master Bob, on the quest.

THE “GOOD GUYS”>>>
-THE FAIR LADY LILLY ROSE BUTTERCUP IRIS DAFFODILL TULIP MUM PANSY MARIGOLD (Lilly for short), sick and destined to die if not saved by Bob, must enter a beauty contest in Megalopolis or else…
-MILLY, on the outside a replica of Lilly (before she grew sick and lost her elven heritage), on the inside she is her own person though, created from the magical mannequin.
-CUAN ANGLORIL, elven Archer and Adventurer, has known Lilly for some time and has sworn to protect and help her.
-BOROLOG MISTFLOWER, gnome illusionist who speaks in rhymes, he is studying on becoming a priest as well, good friend of Cuan, and fond of his pet mice.
-COUNT BANTU, eccentric mage from Middle, who has a penchant for experiments, helped complete the Magical Mannequin project and created Milly.
-PILLIWIDDLIPILLIPITIT, (Pilli for short) a rogue gnome who has known Borolog for some time, always up for a good adventure, loves his new toy, the magical energy crossbow mounted on the coach.
-NOBLEMAN, lender of the coach and acquaintance of Pilli and Count Bantu.
-THE COACHMAN & THE CHAUFFER, both work for the Nobleman, not the brightest of the bunch.

THE “BAD GUYS”>>>
-CLETUS THE HILL GIANT, extremely fat, smelly, and mean, arch-nemesis of Bob and villain responsible for Lilly's sickness, suspected instigator of Dwarven mining conflicts spreading throughout Nowhereinparticular.
-BORIS, Cletus' giant pet toad, on the trail of our adventurers, uses gemstone technology to communicate with his master.
-YE OLDE COMANDING OFFICER, leader of the armed forces of Ye Olde Village, attacked the Dwarves of Rock Quarry and surrounding areas over mining disputes, currently held captive in Bob’s special Bag of Holding, to be taken as a witness to the Courts in Megalopolis.
-DARK FIGURE IN THE FLASKED BOON INN, ???

EVERYONE ELSE>>>
-CHARLES, the halfling butler, has worked for Lilly all his life, stayed behind to watch after her estate in Middle.
-MAEGRIL TAVARCAR, armor shop owner in Middle, knows Cuan from the past, gave Bob a reward for thwarting robbers, part of this reward is an unusual Bag of Holding.
-MR. WIZARD, (Tombelthalon), renowned wizard who owns a laboratory outside of Middle, prefers to keep to himself and away from public scrutiny, was essential to completing the Magical Mannequin Project, created the magical crossbow for the coach.
-GRANDPA WIZARD, coincidentally, Mr. Wizard’s Grandpa, very old yet full of spunk, proud of his grandson’s achievements.
-GUS, runaway ogre, emotionally unstable, proud to keep an eye on Ye Olde Commanding Officer in the Bag of Holding, as long as he gets fed cornbread.
-CAPTAIN FELDSPAR, leader of the Third Contingent of Rock Quarry's Dwarven Special Forces, whether or not he died at the Battle of Camp Stone Pit is unknown at this time.
-CORPORAL LIMESTONE, SPECIAL SOLDIER BASALT, SERGEANT SLATE, and LIEUTENANT GNEISS, all dwarven warriors for the prestigious Dwarven mining town, Rock Quarry, and its surrounding dwarven territories.
-COMMANDER GRANITE, Commander of Camp Stone Pit, which was attacked after Ye Olde Commanding Officer was kidnapped by Bob, Cuan, and a team of dwarves, whether or not he is alive remains to be known.
-KING KARST, King of the Dwarves that live in and around Rock Quarry, currently traveling with Bob and Crew to get to Megalopolis, where he can present his case to the courts.
-LEONARD HALLOWAY, good ol’ farmer from the Carrot Plains, gave adventuring advice to Bob, and restocked his cornbread supply.

To keep track of how far into our heroes are into their adventure, note that at the beggining of this segment of the tale, it is around noon of the 14th day since Bob left his farm in the countryside out by Middle.

And now, this great tale continues:

As the coach approached the entrance to the quaint town of Edictsville, it was stopped by four guards, armed with pikes. “Ho there travelers. Before entering the fine town of Edictsville, know that we do not take kind to any sort of law breaking, foolishness, or other hooliganish behavior.” A stern looking guard said this in such a monotone voice, that Bob was sure he recited this line a lot.

“Is hooliganish even a word?” Muttered Count Bantu to Bob, on his emu.

One guard cleared his throat and two others opened the doors on both side of the coach. “Get down from there gnome,” ordered one as his eyes bulged out at the sight of the magical crossbow mounted atop the coach. “We are going to have to search this coach, it’s the rules. Pardon me m’lady.” One guard began to look under the cushions where Lilly was sitting. The other guard shooed a grumpy Jethro up from his nap, and looked around his area as well.

After the search continued for another three minutes the lead guard spoke up, “Alright then. Move along, but no funny business. That is your warning. And you best cover that crossbow up.” The guard pointed at a burlap sheet, and two other guards gave it to Pilli to drape and tie over the crossbow.

“Excuse me gentleman,” The Count flashed his smile at the guards. “Has a dark blue suited nobleman come this way lately?

One guard stroked his chin. “Yes, as a matter of fact. A ‘nobleman’ matching your description entered the town earlier this morning on a black stallion.”

Lilly arched an eyebrow and Cuan whistled. “Wonder where he got that?”

The guard looked at Cuan suspiciously. “Yes well most people use horses instead of ostriches.”

The Count looked offended. “Excuse me, these are emus.”

“Whatever. Your ‘nobleman’ mentioned that he was going to wait at the Iron Gavel Inn for his ‘friends’. That’s on the right side of the main road, Mandate Avenue, about three minutes from here. Now move along.” The guards turned to inspect an outgoing wagon, filled with bales of hay.

“Quite the security they have going on here.” Remarked Milly looking out the window.

“Yes, Edictsville is known for its excess upkeep of the rules. Which is great for the safety of its residents, but not so great on their sanity.” Lilly nodded as they passed a guard who was yelling at civilian for not looking both ways before she crossed the road. When the coach passed an apothecary, Lilly asked the coachman to stop and let her out to get some ‘remedies’ from the apothecary.

“I’m coming with you.” Cuan said, concerned for her safety. “We’ll meet the rest of you at the Iron Gavel later.”

Bob wanted to hit himself on the head for not offering to go with her sooner. But he reasoned with himself that it was no big deal. It’s not like he was jealous of his new friend, Cuan.

When they arrived at the inn, Bob and Borolog made sure the emus were securely tied to a post, so that there was no chance of harming any pedestrians, unless a person was asking for it. The coachman also had to move the coach into another parking space because a guard told him he was parking too close to a well and had to move.

Bob sure was glad, though, that the floorboards weren’t as creaky in this inn. The patrons were clean enough, and far contrasted from the ones Bob had seen in the Flasked Boon, back at Reedy Creek. He followed Pilli up to the bar and pulled a stool up next to a couple of well-dressed men. He nodded at them when they looked his way. Meanwhile, Borolog and Count Bantu walked the inn, until they came to the Nobleman’s booth, and sat talking with him.

“Did you accomplish what you set out to do?” Count Bantu asked the Nobleman.

The Nobleman sipped a glass of wine and then answered, “Yes, and the shepherds gave me a horse as a sign of goodwill. I’ve already sold it, for some extra cash.”

Back at the bar, the two men beside of Bob turned to him, and one commented, “Great day for traveling, ehh young man?”

“Yeah, nice weather today, isn’t it?” Asked Bob casually.

Their two faces suddenly stiffened. “What was that again young man?”

Bob spoke up so they could clearly hear him over the general din of the tavern, “I said, nice weather today, isn’t it?”

The one nodded at his companion. “I think we’re going to have to take this wiseguy down to the station.”

“What?” Bob exclaimed as they bound his hands behind his back with taut rope.

Pilli, who had been flirting with the nearest barmaid, was just as startled to see Bob led away by the two men. Before anyone could do anything, Bob had been escorted from the inn. Lilly, who had just walked in the door as Bob had been led out, ran up to Pilli, “What in the world is going on?”

Pilli stumbled over his words. “I, I dunno…one minute he was next to me chatting with those two guys and the next, they arrest him. Undercover cops, had to be!”

Lilly gasped. “What for?”

“Who knows? It’s Edictsville, they could have convicted him of picking his nose!” Exclaimed a worried Borolog, who had since joined the group around the stool where Bob had just been sitting. “If they sent him off to jail, then we must quickly gather money for bail!”

“I’m afraid that won’t help you.” Said a charming voice, and everyone turned to see a man dressed in a red vest with a white long sleeved shirt under it, with very noticeable fluffy and extravagant cuffs. “Bail is never granted in this town, no matter the crime. Allow me to introduce myself, I am Brian Jacques, a writer of stories from these parts. Almost a bard in-training if you will. I have ears in many places, and there has been talk of a group such as yours of coming to this town within the next few days.” He noticed the looks of concern he received at that statement. “Now don’t worry, not many have talked about this, only a few. It seems only the ‘informed’ have been alerted to your expected presence, and here you are.”

“Get on with it.” Cuan did not look thrilled after hearing of Bob’s arrest.

“It appears this ‘Bob’ of yours was to be watched closely, and arrested at the first available time, something not hard to do here in this lovely town, were he to show up. Apparently these orders came from the capitol itself, Megalopolis. That is about the extent of this situation that I know. We could head to the jail and find out more. You will be allowed one meeting with Bob a day, as long as he remains in jail.

“How can we trust you? Is there something in this for you, to be telling us all this?” Cuan bit his lip and looked over at a very perturbed Lilly.

“My good elf, I can see there is no fooling you. I am in need of a party of adventurers, and might be able to help you out in return. Come let us go to the jail. You can meet with Bob, and I will meet with the Captain of the Guard.” The writer patted a pouch of coins by his side and winked.

***

When the guard opened Bob’s cell door, Lilly came running in and the first thing she said was, “What did you do?”

Bob looked at her sheepishly. “I asked two undercover cops how the weather was.”

At this Cuan slapped his hand over his forehead. “I should have warned you better about using that phrase.”

Lilly shook her head. “No matter. Bob, we will get you out of here. We have met a man that seems confident that he can help get you out, if we help him. He didn’t specify as to what, but we will do it with earnest. The sooner we free you and get back on the road to the capitol, the better we will all feel.” She felt in her bag for a hand mirror. “Here take this Bob. It is a very special mirror to me. Cuan has the other one. When you hold it, you can see the other mirror holder’s surrounding environment, and if you think hard enough, you can see them as well. Keep it close and you can see us, and we will be able to see you. Do not try to talk to it, unfortunately it’s magic is only visible, not audible. I asked the guard if you could keep it in your cell. He wasn’t too thrilled about it, but he finally said it was ok.” A tear ran down Lilly’s cheek.

Bob hugged her and comforted her. “Don’t worry about me. Do what you have to.” He looked her in the eyes and softly wiped away her tear. “I know I can count on you.”

***

Early on the second morning after Bob’s arrest, the coach re-entered the Nerien Woods, with three emus and their riders, Borolog, Cuan, and Count Bantu, following closely behind it. Only the chauffer and the Nobleman had stayed in Edictsville to watch over Bob’s emu and to keep an eye out for any happenings.

Lilly, arms folded across her chest, looked over to the writer sitting across from her. “And you are sure that once we have recovered this artifact, it will be enough to make the Captain of the Guard turn his eye as Bob escapes from his cell?”

“Absolutely.” Assured the writer. “He has been wanting to get his hands on the famed amulet of Gold Leaf for some time now. He’s just been too afraid to go and try to recover it from the ruins. I have studied the legends of these woods for years, and I have the information and non-combat skills you need to survive the ruins. And you have the combat skills I need to complete my research. We both help each other, and in turn bribe the greedy captain and free Bob.”

“I want to save Bob, don’t get me wrong. But this ‘quest’ is taking away valuable time. How we will reach Megalopolis in time now for the registration for the Beauty Contest?” Milly sighed.

King Karst nodded, mumbling something about courts.

“Well I don’t know about any beauty contests or courts, but as my gift to you for helping me complete this research for my next great book, I will get you free access to some swift transportation that can get you to Megalopolis twice as fast. Traveling up Tradewind River on a boat can reduce what would probably take another ten days on the roads from Edictsville to four. The owner of Tradewind’s River Runner Cruise Service happens to owe me a big favor. Just three hours north of Edictsville is the riverside town of Whitewash. You can pick up a free cruise from there to Megalopolis on two or more of the famous River Runner ships. They will even board your coach and emus for free, they owe me so much. So don’t worry about such things, right now we need to stay focused on getting to the ruins of Gold Leaf.”

No sooner had the friendly writer said this then the coach came to a halt. The occupants of the coach looked out to see a familiar spectacle.

A kobold hopped up to the coach, short sword drawn. “Well, well if it isn’t our friends with the fancy coach.” He picked the edge of the sword between his foul teeth and pranced around Cuan’s emu with a cocky gait. “Has the elf come back to pay us some more?” The kobold held out a greedy paw to the pouch hanging on Cuan’s side.

Swiftly, Cuan nodded to Borolog, who nodded back. And with that he kicked his boot into the hilt of the sword, which the kobold highway robber still had been picking his teeth with. Eyes wide with surprise the kobold staggered to the ground, sword poking out through the back of his skull. “Nobody gets in the way of me saving my friend.” Cuan breathed deeply as he jumped off his emu, dodging arrows, while tumbling on the ground.

Pilli swiveled the crossbow around and shot a bolt into a pack of kobolds, charging the coach head-on. The effect was devastating as kobolds flew left and right. Meanwhile, King Karst leveled his crossbow out the coach’s window, and pinned a kobold archer into the tree behind him. The coachman threw some of his throwing daggers at some more archers and managed to hit a few. One arrow almost hit him, pinning his cape into the coach.

In the mean time, Borolog and Count Bantu had dismounted their emus. Borolog had cast a defensive harmony spell, and began to beat kobolds upside the head with his staff. Count Bantu had mirror imaged himself and then sent a colorful orb shooting out from his fingers. When it hit a hopping kobold, it froze in its hop, and fell to the ground, stunned. By this time, Cuan had found refuge behind a tree, and would turn around and send deadly arrows into the kobold ranks whenever he got the chance. Their emus, not to be outdone, clawed and pecked their way through another group of kobolds that had charged the back end of the coach.

Seeing they were getting their tails kicked, the kobolds retreated to the dense undergrowth of the woods. Cuan began looting some fallen kobolds for money and arrows.

“Cuan Angloril! What just got into you?” Lilly demanded as she lifted herself up from the coach’s floor.

Cuan tossed a pouch of coins into the coach. “Here is your money back, and more. I am sorry M’Lady but I wasn’t going to let them take advantage of our situation for a second time.”

All Lilly could do was nod, and a few minutes later the coach was back on track towards Gold Leaf.

***

Moonbeams shot their way through the dark canopy of the trees at night, highlighting the bustling coach as it shot down a narrow forest trail. The kobold fight earlier that morning had only momentarily slowed them down. The writer, Mr. Jacques, had assured them they would arrive at Gold Leaf by the time the moon was straight above them.

As Cuan rode his emu behind everyone else on the narrow trail, he thought he could hear a chittering sound. When the path opened into a misty clearing, the sound grew louder, and the next thing Cuan knew, he was being pelted by nuts from the outer perimeter of trees. Then scores of squirrels leaped from the branches and surrounded the travelers, teeth chittering and tails flicking like there was no tomorrow.

The coach had come to a stop, and no one said anything. When you’re surrounded by armor eating squirrels, there’s not much you can say. However, Jacques seemed to find the words. He slowly stepped out of the coach and began to make chittering sounds just like the squirrels. From what Cuan could tell, the squirrels seemed to understand him. After a few minutes of intense chittering, Jacques turned to his companions. “They wanted to eat us alive, but I persuaded them in letting us talk to their badger leader, to see what she has to say about our fates. Don’t worry, I’ve got it under control.”

***

The female badger’s eyes were piercing the newcomers, looking for signs of treachery. “Very well, Mr, Jacques. I don’t know who you sources are, but you are right, we cannot enter our underground home that lies beneath the ruins of Gold Leaf. Two trolls and a dark elven mage managed to sneak in and put up some kind of magical barrier that doesn’t allow any animal through.” The badger went over to a small cave-like entrance in the side of the crumbling elven city ruins to prove her point. As she neared the entrance, some invisible force knocked her back. “If you can go down in there and oust them out from our home, you may take the amulet of Gold Leaf. No doubt that is what they are looking for, as one of the mice was cornered in the forest by these rogues and forced to say where it was. It is hidden inside a fake book in the library. The book is called, “Mossflower” and it’s on the top shelf of the largest bookcase. Fortunately, the mouse only told them the room it was in, and not the book, of which there are thousands by the way. Brother Dunn, can you show these people how to get to the library?” The badger looked to a small mole, who held a map in his claws.

“Ho hurr. Oi be a showin’ ‘ou which way to a go.” The mole said to Jacques, pointing out that they would have to travel down the main hall, take a left at the fork, and continue straight through the great dining hall, the kitchens, another hallway, and on the right would be the library. And if the badger was right, the wizard and his trolls would be searching the library like crazy for the rumored book.

“Use whatever means necessary to rid our home of these intruders, be it settling on peace, killing them, turning them against each other, or whatever else you are capable of. But if you come out and they are not dead, or coming out with you, I will let my squirrels have at you. Such an act would be a sign of treachery.” The badger said, waving her paw at the chittering squirrels.

A hare that was leaning against a tree spoke up, “Right and that’s no good. So be good sports and do a jolly good job at saving our home. Wot?” A mouse beside him, dressed in little robes nodded his head in agreement.

Cuan didn’t like having to do what these seemingly cute, but apparently savage animals told them. But for Lilly’s and Bob’s sake, he swallowed his pride and readied himself to lead the group into the depths of Gold Leaf.

Jacques could see this and pulled Cuan aside. “Despite what you have heard, the stories have been tainted. These animals are not necessarily evil, they have just had to fight to survive. Before there was Gold Leaf, this was their home, and not all the elves treated them nicely. Come now, for your friends, let’s go.”

“Don’t you need some sort of weapon to protect yourself with?” Cuan asked suspiciously.

The writer held up his quill and grinned. “The pen is mightier than the sword my friend.”

For her safety, and since she was stressed out about Bob anyway, everyone decided Lilly should remain in the coach with Milly, and the coachman. Jethro and the mice that Borolog had purchased in Middle’s marketplace, both had to stay in the coach as well since no animal could get past the barrier. Sometimes, Borolog let the mice stay in the pockets of his robes, but he would have to go without their company tonight. Cuan led the way, using his infravison to scout ahead in the dark hallway. Behind him were Borolog, Count Bantu, Jacques, Pilli, and King Karst, poised and ready just in case a giant troll were to leap out of the shadows and scare the living daylights out of them.




[This message has been edited by Big B (edited January 28, 2002).]

 

Very nice weather today, no? Great work, B!
The story continues…

Pilli gave a shrill cry as a giant troll leapt out of the shadows and scared the living daylights out of them. Cuan cursed himself for not being more attentive while King Karst let a bolt fly, and Pilli followed his example, but even though the bolts burrowed themselves deep into its chest, they seemed to do little damage to the beast, and the gnome almost wished Jethro was there. Then, as the troll lunged towards them, he suddenly noticed that it wasn’t as big as it had appeared, not much bigger than him, actually. Realizing this, he charged it, but very soon another troll joined the melee. There was sound of someone chanting in the background.
Feeling confident in his fighting prowess, he tried to combat them both, and delivered a heavy blow to the skull of the new troll.
“Oww! Stop it!” it yelled, but the voice was Cuan’s.
Pilli stared stupidly at it as it began to pummel the first troll, and then looked down on himself. It all became clear: he had been turned into a troll himself, as had Cuan.
“Bloody Count,” he muttered as he joined the fight again, quite relieved that Jethro wasn’t there after all. This time King Karst was at his side as well, ferociously hacking off large meaty chunks with his axe.
It soon became apparent to the company that the strange chanting sound was actually the voice of Brian Jacques. This is what he was singing:

Shadow, shadow, every where,
And all the walls did shrink;
Shadow, shadow, every where,
Nor any space to blink.

The very deep did rot: How nice!
That ever this should be!
Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
In the slimy tea.

About, about, with eel and trout
The death-fires danced at night;
The walls, like a witch's oils,
Burnt green, and blue and white.

The souls did from their bodies fly,
They fled to bliss or woe!
And every soul, it passed us by,
Like the whizz of my cross-bow!

Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone in the warm warm tea!
And never a saint took pity on
Their souls in agony.

Behold, a troll, so hideous!
And it all lifeless did lie:
But a thousand thousand slimy things
Lived on; and so did I.

As the last word was uttered, King Karst severed the troll’s head, and Count Bantu finished it with a Burning Hands spell, just in case.
“One down, two to go!” he said.
“You’ve a most strange singing-voice, Mr. Jacques,” said Cuan, “but not stranger than that song you just sang. What was it?”
“That? It was some chosen parts of a larger poem; though I’m not sure I got all the words right,” replied the writer, ignoring the comment upon his voice. “It’s written by some guy from Middle who had probably had one carrot too many. Polefridge is his name, I think.”
“Coleridge,” corrected the Count. “I know him. I helped him grow some new exotic plants for his garden, which was already full of the most strange flowers and weeds. And mushrooms. Wonderful mushrooms. I wonder how old Samuel is today? I haven’t seen him in a while…” he said slowly, looking into the empty darkness of the hallway, and the others could be fairly certain that his mind was currently somewhere else.
Pilli was quick to return him to the reality. “Now, if we were to concentrate on the task ahead,” he said, “and, more importantly, on dispelling this bleeding troll form! Now I don’t know about Cuan here, but I would certainly appreciate if you gave some word of warning next time you’re thinking of polymorphing me.”
“You’ll get used to it, my dear Pilliwiddlipillipitit,“ said the Count with a broad grin before speaking the incantation.

They walked down the hallway, and upon turning left at the fork, they found themselves in the dining hall. It was a large room, but finding a way through it proved to be quite hard. It looked as if a violent whirlwind had long ago ravaged the room, and none had bothered to clean up the mess. Tables and chairs of all possible sizes and shapes lay strewn about in heaps, pieces of broken kitchenware were everywhere, and over it all lay a thick layer of dust and cobwebs. At one point they were even forced to climb over a particularly large pile of rubbish in order to continue.
Once out of this pandemonium for a dining room, they made their way through an equally dusty, but not quite as messy kitchen, and then out in a second hallway. In the far end, they could see a faint, reddish light, as if from a torch or a fire about to burn out. They guessed that it was the library.
Borolog cast a spell of invisibility on Cuan, who, after removing his armour, went on to scout ahead. When he reappeared, he looked somewhat troubled.
“Forsaken!*” he said. “One of my people’s eternal enemies. I should have suspected as much, especially since that badger said ‘dark elven mage’. Well, that rules out a peaceful solution.”
“So what do you suggest we do?” asked Pilli.
“Wizards are dangerous,” said Jacques, “so I propose we use stealth and try to strike unseen.”
“But what about the troll? The badger said there were two, right?”
The Count’s eyes lit up, and he regarded the gnome in a curious way.
“Oh no, you don’t!” protested Pilli.

At length they all agreed on a plan, although some did it rather reluctantly. The plan was this: They would first have Borolog cast invisibility on them all, and then they would sneak into the library and position themselves in suitable spots. Pilli was to sneak up behind the wizard, and stab him in the back just when Cuan and King Karst had fired their ranged weapons. Then Count Bantu would polymorph Cuan and Pilli again, so that they could engage the remaining troll relatively safely, should it appear. Borolog and the Count would support them with spells, and, since the company had no wish of hearing him sing again, Jacques would cower in a corner.

The plan seemed to work out well at first, but suddenly the dark elf took his eyes off the bookcase that he was currently examining and peered intently out over the library.
“Yes? Who is it?” he demanded, but nobody answered. He turned his attention to the shelves again and muttered, “I must be getting paranoid.”
Pilli had barely placed himself where he was supposed to when the mage cried something incomprehensible, turned around in one fast, whirling motion and managed to hit the gnome’s cheek with his palm. He immediately began casting another spell.
Pilli found himself unable to move, and cursed himself for trying to move silently while wearing chainmail.
Upon seeing this, Cuan and the King began firing their arrows and bolts, disrupting the wizard’s casting and hurting him mortally. The elf was about to finish the Dark One with a second arrow when the troll showed up. It grabbed him by the waist and threw him into the gigantic oaken bookcase along the opposite wall, bringing it crashing down over him. Then it charged at the Dwarf-King, who managed to bury a bolt deep in its throat before having to switch weapon to the axe.
For a while it was an even battle between beast and dwarf and mage, as Borolog could do nothing but stare at the fallen bookcase, under which his elven friend currently lay. Then, with a few mighty hits from the dwarf’s axe and a well-aimed bolt of lightning from Count Bantu, the tide of the battle finally turned, and the beast was soon reduced to a smeary pool of goo on the floor.
Jacques strode over to the fallen bookcase, bent down, and picked up a book.
“This is what we came for,” he said, holding up the contents of the book. “I believe the quest is over now.”
“Not quite, there are still things to make right,” said Borolog, trying vainly to lift the bookcase with all his strength. The others came to his aid, but even together they could not manage to lift it a single inch.
Even as the last hope left them, and they were about to give up, they could feel something moving under the huge piece of furniture, and out crawled a badly battered troll. Borolog, Count Bantu, King Karst and Jacques sighed with relief: the Count had managed to complete the spell before Cuan crashed into the bookcase!
Also Bob sighed, and the colour began to return to his face. He had been watching them all the time through the mirror, and had barely been able to hold back a scream at several occasions. Now he watched the group wait for Pilli’s spell to wear off and then leave. They had been successful, and he would soon be free.

Outside the prison, the Nobleman and the chauffeur discretely watched a dark figure ride into town on his leaping llama and park it foolishly close to Bob’s emu. He dismounted, walked past them on swift feet and entered the jail…

* The Dark Elves of Nowhereinparticular. They are elves that have chosen the path of evil, and upon discovery, the colour of their skin is changed to either bony white or pitch black and they are cast out (this is borrowed from Argyle). Rumour has it that there actually exist violet elves as well. They are supposedly the most evil of all, though the rumour has never been verified.
They are generally referred to as ‘the Forsaken’ or ‘the Dark Ones’.

 

Testing...

Ok Namuras, I don't know if you were able to see it earlier before the big bang, but here it is, back and better than ever, thanks to a program called Word .

In the entranceway, the badger stood, realizing that the spell had been broken. “Are they dead?”

“Yes, you can now get back to your home, although sorry about the mess.” Cuan jerked a finger back towards the library.

After eying them suspiciously the badger sighed, “Very well. I said you could keep the amulet, but be warned. It seems to have a bit of a destructive nature to it. Prolonged use of wearing it around the neck of someone who isn’t elven and it might just burn the flesh.

At the sound of this Jacques swiftly gave the book to Cuan. “Zounds! Even I didn’t know that particular tidbit of information!”

Cuan grinned, having heard of this secret before as an elven lad. But he suspected many non-elves had not. The Captain of the Guard was in for a big surprise. He fiddled with the thick book, and after a moment, he managed to open a secret compartment in the back cover of it. It revealed the Amulet of Gold Leaf, a pure gold chain with a golden oak leaf hanging from it.

When they emerged back outside into the night, many woodland creatures cheered at the heroes. But the shouts grew louder and suddenly Cuan realized that they were battle cries and no longer cheers. Hundreds of squat figures began charging from the edges of the clearing. At the site of this the Badger narrowed her eyes. “Kobolds!” She turned to the rest of the group.

“Hey they must’ve followed us, but we aren’t on their side. We fought some earlier, I promise.” Cuan assured the hulking badger.
With that the badger let out a growl and turned on its heels to charge into the fray. Our emerging heroes took up arms as well. After Cuan fired off an arrow he looked around cautiously. “Where are all the squirrels at?”

His question was answered when hordes of squirrels jumped out of the trees on unsuspecting kobold warriors below. Having sensed the kobolds, the squirrels had hidden themselves, turning the sides of the ambush. And an ambush it was. With tremendous speed and fury, the squirrels descended upon the kobolds. They bit through the kobold’s rough scaly skin as if they were chewing on a tough steak. The high-pitched screams of kobolds being eaten alive filled the night. Those that escaped the fury of the squirrels were met by the badger, who with a single swipe of the paw, sent dozens flying through the air. Minutes later, the battle was over. The squirrels lay on their backs contemplating what they just ate as their paws clutched their stomachs.

“Hmmm, indigestion maybe?” Mused the Count.


The Badger did not look so amused, but nonetheless gave the adventurers her thanks for clearing up the Forsaken mage problem.

“Anytime M’Lady.” Jacques bowed. “I am working on writing a book on you fine creatures of the woods. Would it be all right if I stopped by in the future to observe?”

“Well I guess that would be alright. You already know what will happen to you if you step out of line.” The badger pointed to the fat squirrels. “Just don’t bring any kobolds back with you next time.”

“Don’t worry, I think the kobold population of these woods was vastly depleted today.” The writer smiled as he got back into the coach.

***

Bob had been earnestly watching the kobold slaughter when he heard several pairs of footsteps approaching his cell. He quickly tucked the mirror away and turned around to face the front of his cell.

Moments later, the guards escorted a tall, cloaked figure right outside of Bob’s cell. “A visitor to see you.” Announced one of the guards, motioning all but one to follow him back to the front of the jail.

The figure ignored the remaining guard and addressed Bob. “Greetings. I have heard much of you, although just recently.” His voice was somewhat muffled because he didn’t remove the folds of a turban tied tight around his head, covering all of his face except his eyes. “I must admit, you’re not what I expected for being the Cho…” he glanced over his shoulder at the guard behind him. “Well, no matter. I cannot get you out of here. But it appears that the very person I am tracking down, is wanting to do the same with you.”

Bob tried to make sense of what the man was saying. As he looked into those eyes, he realized they were different. Then it dawned on him that this figure before him was an elf.

His deep brown eyes penetrated Bob. “For various reasons I cannot directly aid you. But I can tell you this. There are those out there that would have you dead obviously. One of these is the same person I am trying to find. He goes by the code name ‘Red Herring’ and continually manipulates various forces here in the land of Nowhereinparticular to further his sinister plans. His real identity is unknown. I have my own reasons for stopping him and they happen to partially coincide with your quest. But that is not for you to worry about right now. Your survival is key, and that of the ones closest to you as well. Protect them and yourself with all your heart. Do what you must, but never give up. Tell no one of your meeting with me, it is for the best right now. I have done what I can to slow down your attackers. And I am now aware of what your friends are doing to you know…” He glanced back at the stoic guard. “As soon as you are released, leave as quickly as possible and continue on your quest. Remember, keep yourself alive, and protect your friends at all costs.”

Bob nodded, not knowing what else to say as the mysterious elf turned around. Had he not been contemplating the strange words of his visitor, he might have heard the elf mutter under his breath, “Protect her well…”

***

As the elf left Bob’s cell he tried to straighten out his slight limp to the best of his ability. No need to give away certain distinct qualities about himself to Bob or any of the guards. On his was out, several guards, who were accompanied by a well-dressed nobleman and his chauffer, stopped him.

The Nobleman’s eyed the cloaked figure suspiciously and pointed. “That’s him. He’s the owner of the llama.”

The Captain of the Guard approached the elf. “Did you realize how foolishly close you parked your llama to an emu?”

The elf did not answer and tried to step past the guards. “Not so fast.” The Captain of the Guard stepped in his way. “Your llama instigated a fight with the emu and was brutally killed in the process. Flying llama entrails have soiled the fine streets of Edictsville because of your carelessness.”

“I have no time for such foolishness.” The elf kept his voice calm and sidestepped the Captain.

The Captain motioned his guards to tie the rebel up. The elf was quick, but severely outnumbered. He struggled but was eventually bound and led to an empty cell. The guards did a search of the captive’s pockets and folds of his cloak, but found no weapon.

“You’re making a mistake here. You don’t know who you’re imprisoning.” The elf said as the gate to his cell was locked.

“I don’t care if you’re that damn Drizzt Do’Urden elf everyone keeps talking about! Here in Edictsville, if you break the rules, you suffer the consequences!” And with that the large Captain of the Guard cracked his knuckles so loud, that everyone around, including him, winced.

As the guards walked off, the elf sat down on his bench and began planning what he was going to do next. Damn his curiosity and his untamed emotions.

Screams from a tortured halfling thief down the hall interrupted his thoughts momentarily, but the elf set his jaw and continued contemplating his recent misfortune.


***

On the third noon since that adventurous night in the ruins of Gold Leaf, the coach pulled up to the gates of Edictsville.

This time the guards told them that in light of a recent event, no emus or leaping llamas were allowed within the city gates of Edictsville. They directed the coach to some stables adjacent to the outer city wall and told them they would have to park the coach there.

It was here they were reunited with the Nobleman, the Chauffer, and Bob’s emu. As they all walked to the jailhouse, the Nobleman relayed the events to the others.

“No matter, our emu was not harmed and whoever that elf was, I am sure they are learning their lesson.” King Karst shrugged.

Lilly’s eyes met Cuan at the sound of another elf, but neither one said anything. No telling what kind of elf it was anyway, or whom it had affiliations with. Over the past few years, tensions had grown high amongst the elves, and many had split into their own factions and groups across Nowhereinparticular. But just thinking about this brought a lot of sorrow to both Lilly and Cuan. And made them hate Cletus even more, for it was he who was largely responsible for the disunity of the elves. He would pay though. They were determined.


When they reached the jail, only Cuan and Jacques went in. They met with the Captain of the Guard, and Cuan handed him the Amulet of Gold Leaf. The Captain’s eyes grew large at the sight of it and he grabbed it, putting it around his neck and under his shirt. Cuan did his best not to grin. He hated to loose such a fabulous artifact, but he knew it wouldn’t come at a full loss.

The Captain told them to wait where they were and a few minutes later he brought a cloaked Bob to them and whispered. “Get out of here quickly before I change my mind. Whoever sent those orders to have him arrested is serious. I’m taking a risk here.”

Jacques nodded, “Hey we delivered the goods so don’t complain. Need I remind you, that is a priceless artifact.”

“Yeah, I’ve been dying to get my hands on it.” The Captain grinned revealing a gold tooth.

***



[This message has been edited by Big B (edited February 21, 2002).]

 

I think you done did good Maa!

 

Technically I'm not breaking Nobleman's rule here . As it was once all together in one segment. But it wouldn't all fit in one go this time so here is the tail end of the above excerpt of mine:

The passage from Edictsville to the riverside town of Whitewash was a pleasant one for the sun was out shinning bright that afternoon. Bob had crammed himself inside the magical Bag of Holding for a minute while they had left the gates of Edictsville. Everyone was glad to have Bob back and Jacques regaled them with his stories.

Entrance into Whitewash was a lot less tense then their previous dealings with Edictsville, or even Reedy Creek for that matter. “No taverns, at least not for awhile.” Lilly warned Bob.

“Hey, it’s me.” Bob winked and brought a smile to Lilly’s face.

“Well, you don’t even have time for taverns, at least not here. According to the schedule here, the next two ships set sail at 4:00.” The writer pointed to a parchment nailed to a nearby post. “Follow me, I’ll take you to go see ol’ Vandago.”

The writer led the way, everyone following behind at a trot, taking in the simplistic beauty of the town. Every building had been whitewashed and gleamed white in the sun. The townspeople looked friendly enough and did not do double takes at the emu drawn coach. “Being a town with a decent amount of traffic, they see a lot of strange things as it is.” Remarked the writer to Bob. “Oh wait, here it is.”

Jacques was the first to enter into the building with a large sign that read, “Tradewind’s River Runner Cruise Service.” At the sight of a built man, with a black mustache and a dark tan, Jacques threw up his hands and gave the sailor a handshake and a slap on the back. “How ya doin’ ya old pirate?” Jacques said adapting a more laid back slang.

“Jacques ya old featherpusher, what brings *you* here?” Grinned a man who was apparently ‘Vandago’.

“Ha remember the time when I got that trio of Barvulian Barbarians off your back?” Jacques eyes gleamed.

“Oh yeah, heh.” Vandago folded his arms. “Yeah, those apes who wouldn’t just wouldn’t let the maroon ordeal go. Hooking them up with those priestesses of Herscha* was a smooth move. Well I suppose you’ve come to collect the debt.”

“That it was.” He threw his thumb casually over his shoulder at the rest of the gang. “These fine adventurers need passage to Megalopolis. They have a coach and emus that need to go with them as well.”

“Hmmm and ya want this free right? If I wasn’t such an honest sailor, I wouldn’t go for this.” He and Jacques chuckled. “But since I am, I’ll get them out on the next pair of ships. It’s a four-day journey ya know.”

“I know, but I was kind of hoping you’d go too. I’d feel better about it.”

Vandago understood. “I see how it is. Hot cargo ehhh? Well I can switch up with one of the current captains. You’re going to have to stay here until I return. Keep an eye on things for me.” Vandago nodded towards some shipping charts and logbooks.

“Novice work.” Jacques flashed a smile. “Besides, ya know you’d rather be at the helm of a ship.”

“Right. Just don’t let this get back to my boss, Grigsdale.”

“I thought you said he was the owner?” Lilly protested.

“Relax.” Assured Jacques. “Vandago here is in charge of this sector of the Tradewind River. His boss is in charge of the Southport district on the southern outskirts of Megalopolis. You see the Tradewind River is flowing downstream while going northeast from this point. It passes through three sectors in between here and Megalopolis. When it hits the capitol, it curves back down southeast and empties itself into the Snake River, which snakes its way through more sectors, and in turn is a tributary to the River Rankata. But wait, there’s more. The left fork of the River Rankata, passes through the countryside and meets up with Tradewind River further southeast of here at the Gnomish village of Bruntwick. So you see, it all makes a loop, just like that continuous cycle of coins that finds its way into the traders’ pockets.” Jacques winked at Vandago.


“Thank you for the geography lesson.” Joked Count Bantu, who knew this all too well.

“Anytime.” Jacques grinned.

“Ha. My ‘wealth’ or lack thereof is of no concern.” Vandago turned to his guests. “I’m sure you’ll be pleased with our services. We offer entertainment and exquisite meals on our ships. That’s more then what I can say about some of our other competitor’s.”

“Yeah, you always were the modest one.” Jacques shook his old friend’s hand one last time. “Well get going you ol’ pirate, the ships leave in half an hour.”

***

Vandago lead the crew to two decent sized ships docked along the banks of the wide Tradewind River. Bob was excited, as this was his first time ever on a ship. King Karst didn’t look as thrilled; commenting on how he knew there’d be a part of this journey he wouldn’t care for.

“Suck it up old man.” Cuan joked as he carried some bags onboard one of the ships.

“Keep it up elf and I’ll make sure these sailors sing every song they know about pansy elves right outside your cabin door at night!” Called out the Dwarven King as he boarded the other ship, walking past a group of gnomes who were also preparing to get on the ship.

The two ships were the Whitewash Wonder, captained by Vandago, and the Bruntwick Bruiser, captained by a gnome named Bruiser no less. Bob, Lilly, Cuan, and the chauffer and the coachman, as well as the coach and it’s emus all boarded the Wonder. Borolog, Pilli, Count Bantu, Milly, King Karst, and the Nobleman all boarded the Bruiser. They were all told to sit back and relax. At any time they could come down to eat in the mess hall, watch the “entertainment”, or play games on the decks. Both captains announced that the next day around noon they would be stopping at another port town, Cratesville, further downstream. Some travelers would be disembarking there, and more would be picked up. The ships would be docked for exactly three hours, and anyone could do a quick tour of the town if they wanted, but had to be back on the ships before they left. Each day they would at least make one stop similar to this, and on the fourth day, they would reach Southport.

As the two ships began to drift away from the banks of the river, our heroes waved goodbye to Jacques who called out, “Take it easy there in Megalopolis, and try to stay out of trouble.”

Bob, who was leaning against a rail on deck, just stood there for a while, letting the breeze hit him in the face. It was sure good to be free and back on course with their quest, while enjoying the luxuries of their cruise. Things had taken a turn for the better it seemed.

*Herscha is the Nowhereinparticularin goddess of the Sea

 

Word can be a lifesaver sometimes… Good thing you were able to post that second half as well, or I would’ve wondered where it had gone. Good work!
I’m sorry I’m not able to write more often, but there’s pretty much schoolwork I must do right now, and then I’m working on a D&D Middle-Earth campaign…Plus, I’m trying to find the time to play Throne of Bhaal and Arcanum.

Anyway, the story continues (a part of this chapter may seem strangely familiar to Swedish readers):


Aboard the Wonder, Cuan joined Bob where he stood leaning against the rail. He looked absently at the low, sandy riverbanks and the grassy fields beyond. Away in the distance the Edictshills rose from the plains, and the town of Edictsville could be glimpsed upon the easternmost hill. “You ever been on a ship before?” he asked, slowly turning his face towards his friend.
“Can’t say I have,” said Bob.
“Do you remember that I once told you that my brother’s rabbit drowned in his grandparents’ hole during a particularly rainy day?” the elf asked. Bob didn’t, but Cuan continued anyway. “Well, at least the grandparents didn’t drown. They weren’t in when the hole was flooded, you see.”
Bob gave him a questioning look. “That’s good, but I fail to see what it has to do with me being on a ship.”
“Nothing, I’m just telling you,” said Cuan. “Well okay, there was a ship involved, a little one; much smaller than this. Actually, it was not a ship at all, just a skiff, but it wouldn’t have made any difference if it had indeed been a ship. For you see…”
Lilly and Jethro walked up to them. “What are you boys talking about?” asked the Lady.
“He’s telling me of his brother’s rabbit and its grandparents,” replied Bob.
“Ah… Very sad story, that, they all died,” said Lilly.
Bob gave her a questioning look, and then turned to Cuan. “But didn’t you tell me that the grandparents survived?”
“No,” said the elf, ” I told you that they didn’t drown. You see, this hole of theirs was situated on the bank of a narrow river, just below a low waterfall. During this rainstorm, a beaver dam upstream burst to the sheer pressure of the water, causing a great wave to speed down the river, picking up a small boat on the way. At the waterfall, it was flung into the air and came crashing down on the two rodents, squishing them like bugs. Our carrot hoard didn’t last very after that…”
Those words being said and heard, the trio just stood there quietly at the prow, enjoying the landscape and beautiful weather as the two ships sailed into a shallow canyon. Jethro was taking a snooze at his master’s feet.

At length Bob broke the silence. “So, how do you feel, M’lady?”
“Quite fine actually, considering how I’ve been,” replied Lilly, smiling weakly, but even as she completed the sentence, she let out the most horrible coughs they had heard for days, scaring Jethro and making him flee over the reeling on the left side of the boat into the not-so-clear water. A strange ‘bonk!’ could be heard before the enormous splash came.
“Dog overboard!” called out Cuan. “Somebody get us a rope!”
“Don’t ya worry,” said Bob calmly, “he knows how to swim.”
“I wouldn’t count on it, not in that armour!” replied the elf, and he was correct. The dog was struggling to keep its head above the brownish surface.
“Damn! I didn’t think of that!” exclaimed Bob and dove into the river himself.
“Bob!” cried Lilly and Cuan in chorus, but it was too late, and Bob found himself having much the same problems as his dog.
By this time, the coachman had managed to find up a rope with an iron hook attached to its end. “Here, catch!” he yelled, tossing the hooked end down into the water. Bob picked it up, tied it safely around his waist and grabbed Jethro. The guys on the deck, the coachman, Cuan and the chauffeur, began pulling the rope.
“Ya need a hand, down there?” called Vandago from his position at the stern.
“No thanks, we should be able to handle it,” called back the chauffeur, panting and visibly strained by the effort.
“Alright, if you say so,” said Vandago.

Slowly both master and dog were lifted from the water and dragged over the reeling. The two men and the elf sighed of relief, wiping sweat from their brows, and Lilly couldn’t help to give a soft chuckle at the young man’s hasty action. Bob gave her a sheepish look. “Err, I had to save my dog…”
“Feeling quite fine, eh?” muttered Cuan worriedly. “It surely doesn’t sound like it. Good thing we’ll be in Megalopolis soon.”
“Yes, hrrm… It’s probably just the fresh air,” said Lilly. “Let’s go down and check out the entertainment.”
“Right, I’ll join you in a minute,” said Bob. “I’ll just go change into something dry first.”

Most of the passengers aboard the Bruiser were gnomes, but there were also a few humans and halflings. No gnomes could be found on the decks, though, for they were all gathered below deck, where the Luminous Lettuce Looters of Woollyberg, a famous troupe of gnome comedians, was about to give a performance.
Persuaded by Pilli and Borolog, the company decided to watch the show as well. They descended, and found themselves in a rather crowded, torch-lit room with a stage in the far end. They sat down at a table.
“I have heard about this group,” said Count Bantu. “They got quite good reviews in Middle, it will be interesting to see what they’re like.”
“Shhh, quiet!” whispered Pilli as the torches in the room suddenly went out.
There was silence for a moment, but then a voice announced the performance. “Laaadiiiieeees and gentlemen! It is my great honour to present to you the menace of Woollyberg, the Luuuminous Lettuce Loooooters!” There was a massive applause, and several torches were somehow lit around the stage, probably through magical means. Three until then unseen gnomes jumped down from a beam in the ceiling. They strode to the front of the wooden platform, their positions forming the corners of a triangle.
“My name is Glen, and I am funky,” said the foremost gnome. As he completed the last word, the group danced a peculiar, but perfectly co-ordinated dance to the strange music that was suddenly being played.
“Good evening,” said Glen when the music had stopped and the other two had left the stage. “We would like to start with a little song.” Peculiar music started playing again.

”When IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII was a little lad,
The fields were so greeeeeeeeeeen!
And when IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIi was a young lad,
The girls weren't meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
That’s when IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII was a lad.” *

“Now, we would like to sing that song again, but this time, as an elvish minstrel.”
The light of the torches turned green, and the gnome produced a harp seemingly out of nowhere. He performed the song again, but this time in a soft, melodious and clear voice.

”When I was but a little lad,
The fields were so green!
And when I was a young lad,
The girls weren't mean!
But alas, that’s when I was a lad...”

“Now, we would like to sing the same song one more time, but this time, as the orc chieftain Bork Brokkur of Brakk.” The green light faded, but was replaced by cruel, dancing, red flames. The gnome threw away the harp and his voice was now, well, indescribable really.

”Gargle gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargle burp howl,
Gargle snarl howl sluuuuuuuuuuuuuurp!
Howl gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargle burp howl,
Gargle burp slurp uuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!
Burp howl gaaaaaaaaaaaaaargle burp howl.“

“Now, we would like to sing the same song one more time, but this time, as the King of Rock Quarry.” The crimson light turned yellowish again. Glen bellowed the lyrics and King Karst pricked his ears.

”When IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII was a little lad,
The fields were so greeeeeeeeeeen!
And when IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIi was a young lad,
The girls weren't meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
That’s when IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII was a lad.
Now gimme an ale…”

King Karst was beside himself with rage, for that was the worst imitation he had ever witnessed. He felt an urge to go up there and show those bloody gnomes how to do it properly, but he resisted. The quest was too important. He would get back to them, though; they could count on it. “Another reason why the quest mustn’t fail,” he thought.

“Now, we would like to sing the same song one more time, but this time…” said Glen, but was interrupted as another gnome leapt up on the stage and pushed him down.
“Heya fellas,” he began, a grin the size of the Marketplace of Middle shining on his face. “So, you’ve heard this one? What is small, green, eats rocks and lives six feet under the ground?”
The audience was silent.
“The little green rock eater! Hahahaha… Ahem, okay, maybe it wasn’t that good,” he said, still grinning wildly. “The name’s Taradal, by the way. So, what about this one: What’s the difference between a cheese? You know? No? Nobody? Alright, there are holes in the cheese, but no cheese in the holes!” He laughed like crazy, and so did the audience. The gnomes apparently liked this kind of humour.
“Thank you, thank you,” he said when the storm of laughter and cheers had ceased. “Okay, listen to this: There were two elks; they were out flying. Suddenly, one of them got a bun in his eye. ‘Look out! You’ve got a bun in your eye!’ cried one of them. ‘Wha’? A can’ ‘ear you!’ replied the other. ‘You’ve got a bun in your eye!’ ‘A can’ ‘ear you, A said!’ ‘YOU’VE GOT A BUN IN YOUR EYE!’ ‘Look, A can’ ‘ear you, A’ve got a bun in me eye!’
“Thank you, thanks, yes. All right, listen. If you dig this huge hole, and now I mean really huge, and you drop a rock into it, how far will the rock fall? Anyone? No? Okay, it falls only six feet! The little green rock eater will catch and eat it!”

Our heroes were having a great time here. The show, consisting of various sketches, songs and short plays, lasted for another hour. Borolog and Pilli almost laughed themselves inside out on several occasions; yes even the Dwarven King enjoyed himself. Like the gnomish humour or not, the atmosphere was great.

The days passed quickly. The sky was almost cloudless during the entire journey, and the spring sun shone brightly, making the decks a very nice place to be. It was definitely comfortable to journey on the river. A group of human skalds took care of the entertainment aboard the Wonder, singing old folk songs, and, while not of the same class as the Luminous Lettuce Looters of Woollyberg, they were enjoyable to listen to.
None in the group bothered to disembark at the stops, as they had seen quite enough in the last few days, and just wanted to take it easy. On the fourth day, they had reached Southport without very many incidents, and were not half a day’s journey from the capital. It seemed things had indeed taken a turn for the better.


Meanwhile, Boris the Toad had made his way to a small wood at the feet of the Edictshills, or, more precisely, to a clearing he had found that seemed to have been left alone for ages. He had placed the gemstones in the grass, and the image of his master hovered in the air above them.
“Have you fixed them yet?” demanded the gruesome face of Cletus.
“Ribbit!” replied Boris.
The giant frowned. “No? I thought I told you to ambush them at the Whitewash Gorge…”
“Croooaak! Ribbitiribbit!”
“What? You say you were knocked unconscious by a plate-clad dog? Ha! Don’t try to fool me Boris, you must have overslept again. Now go get them as soon as you can, or you’ll not get any mashed fly biscuits!”

The toad gathered the gemstones and placed himself beneath the boughs of a large tree to take a quick nap. He would have to get moving again under the cover of night, or he would risk the biscuits. He just hoped that the large bump on his head would have disappeared by then...

* Not my ‘lyrics’. Thanks Mez.